Code Geass 2008 Christmas Special
by Person With Many Aliases
Summary: Also known as Code Grease: The Search for More Money. The evil race of Black Knights plot to steal every breath of Fresh Air from the peace loving planet of Planet Britannia. It's up to two Space Bums to out Keikaku the villains. Merry Christmas.


"Merry Christmas Special!"

"Oh, you visited? You didn't come last year."

"Eeh, sorry about that. I tried to write Simon and Nia for another Christmas, but I ran out of time. But I'll make sure to get it done this time! I put everything to the side, just to tell you this story!"

"No, no, don't apologize. I'm sure you had your reasons. But you've brought a story this time! Which one did you base it off, now?"

"Heh, it's something everybody should have watched anyways, and if you haven't, shame on you! I, of course, took artistic liberties with the characters... I'm sure you'll recognize some of them."

"Oh, do tell!"

"Enjoy!"

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**CODE GEASS: 2008 CHRISTMAS SPECIAL**

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_Once upon a PLOT TWIST:_

_In a galaxy, very, very, very, very far away, there lived a ruthless race of beings, known as... The Order of Black Knights._

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**Turn 11, Round 17, Game 9, 2nd Week of the International Chess Convention:**

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_The evil leaders of Planet Black Knight, having foolishly squandered their precious atmosphere, have devised a secret plan to take every breath of air away from their peace-loving neighbor, Planet Britannia._

_Today is Princess Euphemia li Britannia's wedding day. Unbeknownst to the princess, but knownst to us, danger lurks in the stars above..._

_(If you can read this, you don't need glasses.)_

_(This thing is so drab without music.)_

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Across the vast nothingness of space, the Black Knight's flag ship, Ikaruga-4PS2 sailed. The Ikaruga was big. The Ikaruga was large. The Ikaruga was immense. The Ikaruga was Tengen Topping. My god is it big. You really need to realize how big this thing is. This giant, black and blue ship, with its smooth surface, sailing across space, and it was huge. It just keeps going on and on, like the Energizer Bunny. There is no end to this thing. How much of story's budget was sacrificed to actually create this thing? Damn, you are big. The immenseness of your bigness should be written in some sort of lyrical epic, giving tribute to how many man hours was wasted beforehand, during production, just so you would appear in this story. One would think you were a reject from Super Dimension Fortress Macross. In fact, Macross was built off the world "Macbeth", which is kinda lyrical, if only for the Iambic Pentameter, but I think there's something there, anyways. Your bigness is astounding. You are so big, that you are the definition for the word "big", as opposed to just... large. Or pretty damn big. You aren't overstated like, "really, really big", or "Supremely big". No, your bigness is so encompassing that you only need to be told, "You don't need a bigger boat"

So yeah. By the way, the back of the Ikaruga had bumper sticker saying "We brake for nobody".

Nestled at the front of this ride was the Bridge, a gray and joyless series of decks populated with the requisite Bunnies needed to perform the intensely difficult task of looking at the multiple radar screens, while shouting out loud in surprise whenever the audience needed exposition, narration, or explanation for what was going to happen in the next PLOT TWIST.

One of the crew present, however, was not a Bridge Bunny, even if they were all wearing Black Knight uniforms. The buxom redhead, in a fairly tight military outfit that seemed custom made to inform everyone how awesome her Ikaruga chest was. She had a really cute hat, too. She looked forward, hands behind her back, to watch the stars go by her.

"Kallen Sandurz!" Apparently she was never referred to by rank. She spun around to one of the male Bridge Bunnies, who was seated at his console.

"What is it, Sergeant Kinoshita?"

Marching up, he responded, "You told me to let you know the moment Planet Britannia was in sight, sir!"

"...So?"

"Planet Britannia is in sight, sir!"

Kallen Sandurz looked at the man for a second, before congratulating, "You're really a Black Knight, you know that, don't you?"

Kinoshita preened with the attention, "Thanks, sir!"

"Have you notified Lord Zero?"

"Yes sir, I took the liberty. He's on his way."

The moment the mook finished his line, a booming voice echoed across the bridge.

**"Watashi wa... ZERO HELMET DA!"**

"All rise in the presence of Zero Helmet!" Kallen commanded, with everyone getting to their feet in unity.

The sliding door in the back of the command center opened up, revealing a Fabulous costume. The man in mask and cape Fabulously and evilly marched down the Bridge, leaving Bridge Bunnies wincing and scared as he passed them by.

Kallen gulped, as Zero stood before her, making all kinds of threatening growly noises. Then he spoke.

"I CAN'T BREATH IN THIS THING!"

The first words of the evil overlord, who had shunted the front of his helmet upward, revealing what would normally be a pretty face, were his "Raven-Black" hair not plastered across his "Amethyst-Purple" eyes, sweat streaking his face, and his face flushed from lack of oxygen, while he heaved and gasped.

Then again, this being Kallen Sandurz, she probably thought this was sexy as all hell. Not that she would ever say that out loud, but she was thinking it. This was also why she hadn't really paid attention that Zero Helmet's sexiness was a result of nearly passing out. I digress.

"Planet Britannia is in sight, sir!" (K/N: My god, is he so dreamy...) Kallen called to attention. Zero Helmet nodded.

"Good. I'll call headquarters and contact president Ougi immediately!"

As he reached for the telephone on one of the consoles, Kinoshita piped up.

"I already called, sir. He knows everything."

There was a foreboding pause, before Zero twisted around with a frown.

"...What? You went over my helmet!?"

Sergeant Kinoshita realized he said the wrong thing, and scrambled to recover, "Uh... well, not exaclty over, sir. More like to the side... Uh, I'll always call you first! It'll never happen again! Never, ever-"

Too late, the Bridge Bunny was already staring down one of Zero's eyeballs, which turned all red and non reflective and with that bird symbol. Fabulous.

Kinoshita, at least knew what to say here, "Awh, SHIT! Oh, no, not that! Anything but that!"

Zero merely pulled his head gear back down, returning to him his evilness, while a portion of the smooth mask slid open for the evil eye thingus to keep contact on the soon to be victim.

"**Yes, that! Zero Helmet commands you, with all your strength... DIE! ZERO STAAARE...!"**

From his eye hole, a beam of light spat forth, and struck Kinoshita in the groin.

"Gaaaaaaahhhh...! My... children's children...!" The Bridge Bunny managed to gargle in utter agony, collapsing to his knees as the beam continued to train at between his legs. Kallen could do little more than turn her head, listening to the horrific torture.

Eventually, Zero Helmet stopped his lesson, leaving better armed mooks to carry the injured sergeant away. The evil lord stared at the view of outer space for a while.

The front of the helmet went back up again, "Sandurz!"

Hands crossed her chest with the same promptness as her "Sir!" (K/N: He... he's looking at me...!)

"I don't see planet Britannia, where is it?"

"We don't have visual contact sir, but we have it on the radar screen. Shall I punch it up for you?"

"Ah, never mind, I'll do it myself for once."

"Very good, sir." (K/N: So assertive...)

Kallen scampering behind, Zero reached the side of the room, where screens showed read outs for more dedicated sensor equipment. For several seconds, Zero fabulously squinted at the screen, trying to make out... whatever it was that was being shown. He twisted back and forth, before finally snorting.

"What's the matter with this thing? What's with all this... churning and bubbling? You call this a radar screen?"

"No, sir. We call this, 'Mr. Coffee'." Kallen tapped at the label at the top of the machine.

The machine chimed.

"Care for some?" (K/N: Perhaps if he can accept this small offering of mine...)

Zero was dumbfounded for a second, before hastily replying, "Yes! I always have coffee when I watch radar, you know that!"

"Of course I do, sir!"

"Everybody knows that!"

All the Bridge Bunnies in sight reflexively covered their crotches.

"OF COURSE WE DO, SIR!"

Zero grabbed the cup of coffee out of his second in command's hand.

"Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to watch radar. Where is it?"

"Right here, sir."

Kallen tapped at the machine right next to Mr. Coffee, which was Mr. Radar, complete with its spinning sonar.

"Switch to Teleview." Zero Helmet fabulously commanded. Kallen snapped a lever downward. The sonar changed to a fuzzy image of a rather green planet, surrounded by a ball of plastic.

The evil overlord grinned, "There it is. Planet Britannia. And underneath the air shield is ten thousand years of fresh air...! We must get through that air shield!"

(K/N: He-he's sounding despondent! I have to cheer him up!) "We will sir! Once we kidnap the princess, we can force her father, king Charles, to give us the combination to the air shield, thereby destroying planet Briannia, and saving planet Black Knight!"

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**EVERYBODY GOT THAT!?**

**How will you answer?**

**Say "Yes": Continue reading.**

**Say "No": Start from the last paragraph.**

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"Good!" Zero Helmet affirmed, "When will the princess be married?"

"Within the hour, sir"

"Well, I hope it's a long ceremony... because it's going to be a short honeymoon!"

Zero fabulously snickered at his line that proved how bad he was, while drinking his coffee, as Kallen pantomimed him.

Then the evil overlord's face scrunched up in pain, unable to make noise with his closed mouth, though he vigorously gestured to it. Kallen immediately smacked him on the back, making him spew out his black steaming coffee, his helmet falling back over his face.

**"HOT! TOO HOT!" **Zero Helmet fabulously cried.

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**Meanwhileth, downst below on planet Britannia:**

This planet is a happy place, full of untainted sky, lush forests, and bizarrely highly advanced buildings. You can tell by the way it has glowing lines all over them. These peaceful peoples dressed fancily, but were otherwise... mostly harmless.

On this joyously peaceful day, amidst nature, in Britannia's capital city, was one particular church. The signboard outside arranged together these words:

_TODAY:_

_Thus the Royal Officiation of Wedlock of Princess Euphemia li Britannia here unto Lord Gino Weinberg._

_TOMMORROW:_

Bingo.

Inside the church, there was a huge stain glass behind a large desk-shaped pulpit. The church itself was famous for the "Legend of the Immortal Nun", who had lived for some five hundred years by the grace of God.

Of course, nobody really cared she was immortal or not, until a freak accident involving the Power of Love ended her living streak, wherein after she was made patron saint and remains famous as the "Nun who was until recently immortal, but she WAS immortal."

But nobody really cares about that legend now, anyways, since that's just used for tourism purposes. Rather, the focus of attention was in preparation room in the back, which housed the anxious beauty Euphemia, pacing back and forth in a multi million dollar wedding dress and bouquet, while her beefy father, Charles di Britannia, giant curls and all, had his own formal wear given final adjustments by a royal... attendant person... guy.

"Ahhh, Euppphhiiee. If ONLY your mother were alive... today!" Charles sighed.

Or at least tried to. He had a speech impediment that left him only able speak in a dramatic fashion, complete with a squint that made most people feel like they were being cross examined by a superior being. It usually helped in court. Not so much for weddings. I digress.

"However, I want to know... is everyone READY?" The kindly king asked. The royal... attendant guy nodded.

"Yes, your honor-"

"No!" Euphie swirled around, somewhat incensed, "Where's my maid of honor!?"

The attendant guy gasped, perhaps a bit too flamboyantly, "Oh, you're right! Where's Nina!?"

The man rushed out for a few seconds, shouting for "Nina Einstein!", before dragging back another girl around Euphemia's age, wearing glasses and hair done up similar to a bun.

"Niiina Einnstein. Where have you been...!?" Charles asked politely. It sounded like a sentence for execution.

"S-Sorry everybody! I was visiting IKEA."

Euphemia's eyebrow raised, "IKEA?"

"I was... inspecting the furniture! For the future couple! Yeah!"

"I knew it. You were trying to build a nuclear weapon. Again."

"...Hey, as an Einstein, it's my duty to prove the theory of relativity."

Before the Maid of Honor turned into a physics professor at the worst possible time, the royal guy (the one who isn't as much) gushed, "Alright Ladies and Gentlemen! It's magic time!"

Organ music playing out the wedding march emanated into the room, as Euphemia hooked her arms with her father, Nina holding the princess' massive veil from behind.

"Is that sooo...!? Very well... Starting on the LEFT FOOT!"

"Daddy, that's your right foot-"

"SAME DIFFERENCE! PROCEED!"

Outside, the gathering of many people done up like Rennaissance rejects stood in awe and respect as the royal family (A small portion of it, anyways) began their synchronized walk down the red carpet aisle to the pulpit, priest, and Euphemia's future husband.

Euphemia stopped, bringing the music to a confused halt, while muttering to her father beside her, "Daddy, must I go through with this...?"

"I am sorry, dear... but you HAVE TO."

Seemingly accepting, the pair began marching forward again with the music. Then, with another halt of everything, plus whispers on top:

"But Daddy! I don't love him!"

"I am sorry, Euupheemiaa... but he's the LAST prince in the Galaxy!"

Down the aisle, Gino tried to wave, before it turned into a hand covering a yawn. Euphemia sighed, before finally marching up the steps to the pulpit, ignoring her fiance's outstretched hand.

The two stood side by side. The priest, Schneizel, another blond fop of a man, who went into churching for reasons beyond anybody, began.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today on this most joyous occasion to watch Princess Euphemia, daughter of King Charles going right past the altar, down the ramp and out the door-"

Wait, that wasn't in the program...

"STOP HER! SOMEBODY STOP HER! STOOP HEEER!"

Outside, the wayward princess escaped the church towards the honeymoon vehicle, which looked very much like a white family van, except it had rocket engines strapped to the sides and top. Nina, being helplessly dragged behind by the wrist voiced her confusion.

"Hey! Wait! You forgot to get married! Will you stop!? What are you doing!?"

"No questions, Nina! Get in!"

As the crowd of would be wedding goers finally made it outside the church, all they were met with was Nina shutting the door, before the white flying van's engines gunned loudly, sending the runaway pair into the sky.

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING, EUPHEMIA LI, BRIITTAANNIIAA!?" Charles howled. It sounded like he wanted to kill her. He probably didn't mean it.

Gino also called for her.

"Come Baaaa..."

Gino yawned.

"...Aacck!"

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Jeremiah Gottwald was watching a movie. This detail is actually relevant. The man himself, with his fancy eyepatch, sat in a ornate wood chair with velvet lining, a beside him a small table with a bottle of champagne and swirling a glass of it with one hand. Across the wall was a large screen onto which the archaic movie projector behind Jeremiah chittered its flickering image onto.

"_Charlie, you can never come back... never come back...!"_

"Charlie! Though we have never met... I applaud your loyalty!" Jeremiah raised his drink to the movie before drinking. However just as the glass was about to reach his mouth, a muffled voice shouted at his back.

_"ORANGE!"_

The champagne splattered across Jeremiah's face and shirt. He swore

"Always when I'm watching...!"

Getting up from his seat, Jeremiah flipped two switches. One on the projector, stopping his beloved movie of Loyalty. The other was mounted on a wall, the lights snapping open and transforming his personal theater back into the back end of a sleazy winged Winnebago that he and his "captain" had since called home as they sojourned across space. Dirty laundry, unwashed cookery, and garbage was strewn everywhere around the man and the furniture that somehow managed to fit into the back.

"_Orraannnge!"_

"Coming!"

Glass and bottle in hand, Jeremiah waded his way through what "captain" (driver) Kuruugi Suzaku insisted on calling "Knightmare Frame: Lancelot Asskicker". The Orange man found such semantics preposterous.

Given the shape, the obvious rightful name should be "Knight Giga Fortress: Seigfried Sieg Zeon."

I digress.

Jeremiah made it to the driver's seat, where Suzaku grumpily sat in crumpled clothing, for some reason also including sunglasses and a long coat, for reasons beyond everybody. The wheel of the Winnegalancefried was steering itself on Automatic Pilot, while a ring tone emanated across the front seats.

"What may I do for you, boss? I was just enjoying my beverage, may I interest you in some-"

Suzaku swatted away the bottle, "N-No! Just answer the video call-"

Jeremiah sighed, spinning around to put his drink away, while the coattails of his own swatted Suzaku in the face, leaving his sunglasses to tumble down.

"-will you watch that-!?"

"Oh... sorry." Was the lame reply, as Jeremiah heave himself into the empty chair beside, "I'll just switch it on audio, and they won't be able to see us..."

Jeremiah didn't notice the tab he was flipping was labeled, "Video"

Thus, the TV screen above their heads erupted into a rather unpleasant visage, one they recognized, and they both visibly deflated as they realized the girl was looking back at them, too.

"Hello, Suzaku."

"Heh, sorry, wrong switch..." Jeremiah managed to laugh off, while the "captain" also tried to act suave, but really...

"Hello, Anya, what do you want...?"

The dour girl on the screen continued to fiddle with a gameboy in her hands, not even looking at the screen, "Nothing really. However, what she wants..."

The screen was covered for a second by Anya's hand, followed by the scratching sounds of a camera being shifted on a stand composed of books. When the hand pulled away, Suzaku and Jeremiah gasped in horror

"C.C. the Hut!"

The venomous female beast herself, seated at her large desk, flanked on all sides by empty boxes of takeout pizza stacked higher than one could see. The desk itself was littered with several open boxes of half eaten pizza, while the woman chewed her way through another slice, noisily eating and talking.

"Well... ifth it isnsth't Suzaku, and his little sidekick, Grapefruit-"

Jeremiah's eye narrowed, "I preferred to be called Jeremiah, but if you must call me by my nickname it is Orange-"

"Schame difference, whafever-"

"It is not!"

"-Whaare's my money?"

Suzaku swallowed, "Don't worry, C.C, you'll have it by next week!"

"Nup. I wantth itth tomorrow."

"A hundred thousand space bucks!? By tomorrow!?"

C.C. finally swallowed, "Hundred thousand? You two seem to have forgotten late charges. That brings to about... oh... I like round numbers, let's just say a million."

"A million! That's not fair..."

"Unfair to pay all, but enough to pay ye?" C.C. smirked, "No, you're going to get my money, or else..."

"Or else, what?"

"Tell them, Anya."

The camera grabbed from off screen and turned back towards C.C.'s pink haired flunky.

"Or else, C.C.'s going to send out for _you_."

The two crew members of the Lancelot Asskicker/Siegfried Seig Zeon managed to at least look pleasantly amused at the joke, and at the unpleasant snickers that abounded.

"Ciao, boys."

"Boss, I want to have some..."

"Well you can't, you just wait for your share-"

"Come on..."

"No!"

Jeremiah's face drooped, "I think I'll just... turn this off..."

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**Backeth at Britannia's plastic air shield:**

The un-honeymoon vehicle made it's way past the giant bubble protecting the planet, accessed via a giant sliding gate that had begun to shut behind them.

Euphemia drove. Nina sat beside. There was tons of luggage in the back. Awkward silence was still ensuing since they took off.

"Can we talk?" Nina tried, "Look, we all know Gino's... well... but you could have at least just married him for you're father's sake and have a headache for the next twenty five years!"

Euphie kept her vision firmly ahead, not giving an inch of attention to her friend. Nina snorted.

"Will you TURN THAT THING OFF!?"

The runaway princess turned to Nina, confused, "Huh...?"

Space, being what it was, gave Euphemia the justification to let her hands of the steering wheel for a few seconds, reaching for the buns at the side of her head.

She pulled them off, and the pink instruments gave off a loud _"Jibuun Woooooo~..."_, from the speakers inside.

"What is it?"

"I was saying, do you realize what you done!?"

"Yes! And I'm glad! Glad, glad, glad, glad, GLAD!"

Euphemia shoved the headphones back on, letting herself get lost in Colors again, as she drove.

Nina blinked, "...I wonder why she's glad..."

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**But Currently, to Black Knight City, Capital of Planet Black Knight.**

To be frank, just take Planet Britannia, and put it in reverse. A black, inky sky, and tons of steel. Fabulous steel.

Fabulous stainless steel was used to construct President Ougi's office, furnished with drab gray walls, black furniture, and environmentally conservative fluorescent light bulbs.

Currently, the said man, bizarre hairstyle and all, was hard at work in his office, talking on the phone.

"Don't be ridiculous... as president of planet Black Knight, I can assure both you and your viewers, that there is absolutely no air shortage whatsoever... yes, of course, I heard the same rumor myself! Well... yes, thanks for calling! Bye..."

Ougi slammed the phone down and smoothed out his suit, "Shithead..."

With the same smoothness, the president reached down and pulled a can out of his a drawer in the side of his desk. Pulling back on the tab, the hiss of compressed Perri-air (canned in Britannia) arose, and quickly into Ougi's greedily snorting nose.

Most likely, the president's thoughts were "Ah, this must be what heaven smells like."

Across, and projected from the wall itself, an image woman in military uniform appeared, saluting.

"Mr. President-"

Ougi threw the can behind him as fast as he could, "Yes!?"

"-This is central control, Black Knight high command, Cecile Croomy speaking."

"Yes, sure, what is it, commanderette?"

"Lord Helmet has just notifed us that Princess Euphemia is in sight, and Ikaruga-4PS2 is closing in on her."

Ougi cracked a nasty grin, "Good, good!"

"We have both ships coming up on the teledar, if you wish to observe."

"I'll be down immediately!"

Just as Ougi jumped from his posh chair, Cecile on the screen suggested something interesting.

"Shall I have Lloyd beam down you, sir?"

At that, Ougi turned back to the screen, frowning, "I don't know about that beaming stuff... is it safe?"

"Oh yes, sir! Lloyd beamed me twice last night... it was wonderful..."

Ougi managed to not frown at the phrasing of those last words, instead pumping himself up with bravado, "Alright, I'll take a shot at it! What the hell, it works on Star Trek!"

Stepping somewhat nervously onto a plate that had been installed into the floor recently, Ougi awaited. Cecile spoke to someone off screen.

"Lloyd, beam him down."

"Ah-aah! Congratulations-"

Before he knew it, Ougi was in the command center and... wait... why was the back of Ougi's coat across his chest...? No wait... his hands... his feet...!

"Sweet Jesus! What happened to his head!?"

"It's on backwards!" Cecile spat.

Everything made sense. Especially for Ougi, who was immediately raving in reverse.

"Well this is terrible! Do something!"

Lloyd, somewhere in the back of the room, pathetically tried to laugh it off.

"Oh sorry, sir! There must have been a converter malfunction."

"Well do something about it!"

Ougi looked down, and revised.

"Why didn't anyone tell me my ass was so big!?"

Amidst the dumbfounded giggles and snorts, Lloyd shouted back, "Don't worry, we'll try to reverse the beam! Could be the interlocking system-"

Before Ougi knew it, he was back in his office, gasping in relief as his head was returned to his proper orientation.

Cecile was back on the screen, "Are you alright Mr. President?"

"Fine, fine! No thanks to you!" Ougi muttered, patting his chest, to make sure.

From the background, the beam operator was ecstatic,"Ah-hah! Congratulation-"

"You shut up."

Cecile continued, "Don't worry, we'll beam you back properly, sir."

"Forget it! Forget it, no more beaming! This time, I'm going to walk!"

So Ougi did. Neatly turning around, he walked through the door, and into the command center.

"President Ougi! SALUTE!"

Everybody saluted from their consoles. They all looked a lot like extras, both props and personnel, that couldn't fit into the Ikaruga-4PS2's bridge.

"Where's the princess?"

Cecile nodded the president over to one of the spare Mr. Radar props. In white summary images, a little white dot titled "P.E.B", and a larger one headed towards it from the opposite side, "I4PS2"

"Right there sir, on the left side of the screen approaching Ikaruga-4PS2 at 1500 light leagues per minute."

"Good! She's almost in our grasp! Tell Zero Helmet he must take the princess alive!"

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And currently, the larger battleship approached the space van from behind, as silently as it could for a giant lumbering cruiser. Which was actually pretty well.

Inside the bridge, Kallen and Zero Helmet stood, and watched.

"Princess Euphemia's ship within range, sir." She reported, for once without subtext.

"**Fabulous. All conditions have been cleared. Fire a warning shot across her nose."**

One particular crew member, who's console also had a X-Box controller attached to it for First Person Shooter functions, fulfilled his duty. Grabbing the weapons control, he proceeded fiddle with the right shoulder trigger.

Consequently, on Euphemia's end, the view beyond her windshield was covered in explosions from what could be inferred as hadron blasts, while her ride began rocking back and forth dangerously. Shocked, she tore her headphones off her head.

"W-what's going on!?"

"Either it's the fourth of July... or someone's trying to kill us!" Nina frantically responded, as their van continued to shake from the onslaught.

Within five seconds, the princess recalled the answer that always worked, in situations like these.

"Hey! I don't have to put up with this! I'm rich!"

"What are you doing!?"

"I'm calling my dad!" The princess growled back, managing to reach for the phone attached to the dashboard, amidst all the explosions, and dialed, "One, Eight Hundred, Bri-tann-ia..."

On the Ikaruga, Zero Helmet bristled as the hadron blasts started to get a bit wild, too close and too far from the escaping craft. He slid up his mask, berating angrily.

"Careful you idiot! I said across her nose, not UP it!"

That said, the gunner turned around from his seat, revealing a rather idiotic face... and crossed eyes. The pupils were practically trying to kiss each other from opposite sides of the nose.

"Sorry, sir! Doing my best!"

Zero Helmet jaw went fabulously slack for a second, though he was smart enough to keep his lips pursed togther during his surprise. He turned to his second in command, muttering conspiratorially.

"Who made that man a gunner?"

Before Kallen could answer, another ranking officer on another deck of the bridge called back, "I did, sir! He's my cousin."

He also had crossed eyes. Obviously something was going down. Zero turned back to Kallen.

"Who is he?"

"He's an asshole, sir."

"...I know that! What's his name?"

"That is his name, sir. Asuhoru, Major Todoh Asuhoru."

"And his cousin?"

"Also an Asuhoru. Gunner's mate, first class, Tamaki Asuhoru." (K/N: Is he proud of how much I know...?)

Zero recoiled slightly at the news.

"...How many Asuhorus we got on this ship, anyhow!?"

"_YO!"_

Zero Helmet turned around to see nearly all the deck standing with their hands raised. He turned back to Kallen with a fabulous straight face.

"I knew it. I'm surrounded by Asuhorus..."

Zero slammed his helmet back down, and shouted fabulously, **"KEEP FIRING, ASUHORUZU!"**

So gunfire continued to rain of Euphemia, as she kept talking through the phone with her sweetest, gentlest, and most unspoilt voice she could manage, between her internal swears of blood and death upon her current transgressors.

"Hurry, daddy, hurry! There's explosions all around us! I'm scawred..."

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News of the princess' plight hit Britannia fast. It too no time at all to get king Charles, who's love for his daughter knew no bounds (though you wouldn't be able to tell from his voice...), quickly called for summons of the most daring, most chivalrous, most awesome of heroes.

Captain Planet wasn't available, though, as was the next 16 heroes best suited for the job.

So, in the end, the choice was only obvious.

"King Charles to... Suzaku. King CHARLES to Suzaku! Do you hear me!?"

The screen in the front compartment of the Winnebago flipped on, letting the two truckers regard the immaculate countenance of King Charles.

"Kuuuurugi Suzaku... you must help me. PLEASE, save my daughter, she's being attacked... by Black Knights."

The "captain" was already shaking his head, "Black Knights? Forget it, too dangerous. Besides, I'm already numero uno on Zero Helmet's hitlist."

Jeremiah also contributed his concerns in a fairly serious voice, "Your highness, it's not that we're afraid, far from it. We... just have this thing about death. It's not us."

Even if the answer didn't make any sense, Charles' face on the screen showed he probably wasn't listening since 'Forget it'.

"PLREEAASE! You two are the only ones... who can SAVE HER! I'll give you anything. You hear me!? ANYTHING!"

Jeremiah looked up, his one eyebrow raising in curiosity, "Anything?"

"Yes, anything!"

Anything was actually a pretty powerful word, given the situation for the two truckers. They looked at each other for a second, immediately understanding where this could go.

Suzaku played it cool as he could, "Alright. We'll do it for... a million."

"NAAAANNNIII!?"

Yes. Japanese.

Jeremiah reached for a knob, "Oh, we're starting to fade here, we're losing picture..."

Charles actually was deflating on the screen, but it looked like he was pissed off, "Alright, alright. I'll pay! Just save her!"

Suzaku grinned, "Alright king, you just made a deal."

"You have my undying loyalty! One princess, for one million space bucks!"

"What was she driving?" Suzaku asked. Jeremiah got out a pen and pad from a glove compartment.

"A brand new Mercedes 2001 SEL Limited Edition." Charles gravely responded, "Moon roof, all leather interior... I got it at a very good price. I paid cash, my cousin Prince Lothair, a dealership in the valley, he was very kind to me-"

"We get the idea." Suzaku cut in, perhaps a bit too snappishly, "Where was she last seen?"

"She was just passing... JUPITER-2."

Suzaku nodded, "We'll find her."

"Please! Bring her back SAFELY... and if it's all possible, try to save the car?"

Charles' face disappeared from the screen then. Suzaku and Jeremiah stared at each other incredulously, before high fiving.

"YES!"

"One million space bucks! We'll be able to pay off C.C. the Hut!"

"All Hail Britannia!"

"ALL HAIL! BRLITANNIA!"

-

-

-

As the two truckers rushed to rescue their payroll, the Ikaruga had already unleashed an unearthly blue beam from one of its cannons. Rather than smiting the princess' vehicle across space, it rather connected with the back fender. It began to pull.

Euphemia noted the sudden lack of explosions, replaced with a dull, unearthly hum, "What's happening? What's that sound? Why aren't we moving?"

When it seemed to Nina, no more possible to realize the current crappiness of their situation, she suddenly found it just had, and remarked rather sourly, "Oh we are... backwards!"

It was to this scene that the Lancelot Ass Kicker/Siegfried Seig Zeon arrived to, the sight of the massive battleship reeling in the smaller space van like a fan drawn into a expansion pack of a video game.

Suzaku pointed from his steering wheel, "Look, there's our princess, and it looks like she's got company."

Jeremiah immediately paled at the sight of the mentioned company, "B-Black Knights... and they already have her in the magnetic beam... it's a shame, but I think I shall put it into reverse now-"

"Woah, Orange no! Baad!"

Jeremiah glowered, "What are we doing, risking our lives for a runaway princess!? I know we need the money-"

Suzaku cut him off there, "Listen. We're not doing this for money!"

Jeremiah turned, with a confused look.

"...We're doing this for SHIT LOAD OF MONEY!"

Convinced, the co-pilot could only give an understanding smirk, "You're right. And when you're right, you're right. And you? You're always right. We'll save her, but how? The moment we enter they'll detect us on their sensors-"

"Nuh-uh."

"Uh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh."

"Uh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh, not if we jam it!"

"...Ah ha!"

"Down scope!

"Down scope!"

Jeremiah flicked a switch, letting a periscope drop down from the ceiling to eye level, where he grabbed the toggles with his hands and looked through. In his vision, about to enter the cross hairs was Ikaruga-4PS2's giant radar dish.

"Radar... about to be... jammed!"

And in the far reaches of space, a flying Winnebago hurled a glass jar at Ikaruga's sensor array.

-

-

-

Bridge Bunny Sugiyama had a fairly easy job. And it was fairly entertaining too, to be watching the mini radar on his console. His was actually the one that was plot relevant.

Which was why it sucked so much when the screen started to blur out and make strange noises.

"Bok... bok... bok-bleurr...Wohhhorrwwoohowwoorhwooo..."

Sugiyama looked about him, hoping nobody was noticing the commotion on his end.

"Whooorrrowooo...Ssssssssshhhhhhhhhhh..."

Sugiyama stared intently at the screen, until, "...Sssssshhhhhhhhit." was his final assessment of the static. He grabbed a radio transmitter and dialed a few numbers.

"_Sszir?"_

Helmet Zero and Kallen turned from his meticulous evil plotting and her mentally swooning. They stared down the bridge, before Kallen asked, "What is it?"

"_Cen I tealk tyu you for a mument, Sszir?"_

Kallen, obviously miffed about something tromped over. Zero, his helmet up, raised an eyebrow for a second before following.

When the two finally stood by Sugiyama, Kallen continued, "Well?"

"_I luszt cuntrual uv the redar, sszir."_

Kallen snatched the radio from Sugiyama's hand, lecturing as she put it back into it's wall mount, "you don't need that private, we're right here, so what is it?

"_I luszt cuntrual uv the redar, sszir-"_

Zero grabbed the radio and everything in sight and threw it as far as he could away, "Now what is it!?"

(K/N: He's so violent... that's... kinda hot)

"I lost control of the radar sir!"

"What's wrong with it!?"

"I lost the bleeps, I lost the sweeps, and I lost the creeps!"

Both commanding officer's eyes bulged with confusion.

"The what-!?"

"-The what-!?"

"-And the what!?"

Sugiyama frowned, "You know, the bleeps-"

The bridge bunny made perfect approximations of radar sonar-

"-The sweeps-"

-Before vigorously shaking his head from side to side, his lips loose, making another approximation of electronic noise-

"-And the creeps."

-More noises, complete with pantomiming a knob for adjusting.

Zero turned back to Kallen, "...That's not all he's lost."

(K/N: I just love how he tells me all these secrets...)

Sugiyama cut back into their thoughts, "Sir! The radar, sir! It appears to be... jammed!"

Indeed, from the edges of the screen, a thick fluid seeped through. Zero frowned at the implications of the master technique.

"Jammed..."

With a gloved finger, he took a swipe of the fluid, before tasting it. It probably wasn't very hygienic.

"Raspberry..."

Kallen and Sugiyama became wary at the tone of Zero's darkening voice.

"Only one man would dare to give me the raspberry..."

The helmet came down.

"**SUUUUZAAKUU-"**

A camera lens crashed into Zero's armored face. He fell down. Kallen turned, horrified.

"TAMAKI!"

"What? He said he wanted close ups in his autobiography..."

-

-

-

As the Black Knights fumbled about in their electronic blindness (and Kallen fumbling to revive Zero Helmet), the Ass Kicking Seig Zeon swooped in on the getaway space van that was still being reeled in. Since the safety of the Princess was what was worth the million space bucks, as opposed to the car, as Charles unfortunately failed to specify, Suzaku and Jeremiah decided to keep things simple. The Winnebago came a stop overhead, and a hatch on the bottom of the truckers' ride, near the back, opened up, while a ladder simultaneously dropped down, ending perfectly just above the roof. Jeremiah descended.

Yes, in outer space. Outer space doesn't kill people. People kill people. I digress.

As for Euphemia and Nina, they were still fairly nonplussed about their situation, though still fairly worried. Then there was a noise of something impacting the roof of their car.

"What was that...?" The princess asked, cautious.

Then there was the sound of knocking at their retractable hardtop.

"Never mind that, what was that!?" Nina exclaimed. Euphemia reached for the toggle for the retracting the screen roof. It pulled away to reveal Jeremiah's face, and his magnificent eye patch that had been attached to his face ever since since his childhood accident involving super glue.

"Greetings."

Euphemia gasped. Slightly.

"Who are you?"

Magic words for the man, he immediately brought a hand to his chest, declaring with a deep voice, "Jeremiah Gottwald! Half man! Half orange! ONE HUNDRED PERCENT PURE, FRESH LOYALTY!"

No preservatives were added.

"What do you want?" Euphemia asked.

"Your father hired captain Suzaku and I to rescue you. I need you two to come up this ladder as quickly as possible."

"Hurry, princess! Follow the orange!"

"...The correct term would be half-"

Euphemia interrupted with a concern of hers, "Wait! What about my matched luggage?"

The two in the van looked at the passenger seats behind them, looked back at each other, then looked up at Jeremiah. He had a feeling there was a very strong sense of plural usage in the "matched luggage". And it wasn't exactly an elevator behind him. He coughed politely and diligently.

"Unfortunately, madam-"

Five minutes later, Euphemia was climbing up, followed by Nina, followed by an animate pile of flower printed suitcases.

"Hey! Stop looking up my dress!" Nina hissed down.

"My apologies, madam." The pile of luggage replied.

-

-

-

Suzaku had waited for some five to ten minutes at the driver's seat. When he turned around and looked back, he found Jeremiah just barely managing to walk forward toward him. Suzaku's face scrunched up in annoyed shock.

"Checking in...!? What the hell is all that!?"

Jeremiah threw off the baggage and replied, "Heruthruyahlhifghnethesmathedlubbgagghe!"

"What?"

Jeremiah took the strap out of his mouth, and threw down the purse, "Her Royal Highness' matched luggage!"

Suzaku couldn't help but give derisive snort, "Matched luggage? What does she think this is? A princess' cruise?"

Jeremiah fell back down in to the co pilot's seat dabbing at himself with a handkerchief he had in one breast pocket, "Well she wouldn't leave without it!"

"Oh yeaah...?" Suzaku grabbed a radio com from somewhere in that indescribable, over expired mess of a dashboard, and flicked it on, "Now hear this! The minute we get out of here, the first thing we do is dump the matched luggage!"

This message came out the opposite side of the ship, where the princess and her... actually, we never really got to what Nina was, since she certainly couldn't be a full time bridesmaid to the princess. Unless Charles really wanted to get Euphemia married off. Which is a somewhat scary thought. Whatever. Where the princess and Nina was.

"Where" was just like the dashboard, only exported to the back of the Winnebago. Indescribable, well past expiry date, and vaguely unlivable, if you could ignore the smell of sweat and machine oil. Euphemia had less than flattering words about the situation.

The actual transmission of the message came through an intercom inset in the wall.

As neither of them knew the captain personally, Nina could only ask, "Who's that?"

Euphemia didn't bother getting to that. Rather, she promptly hit a button on the comm for replying, and icily shot back, "Now, you hear this, whoever you are! You will not touch that luggage. And furthermore, I want this pigsty cleaned up! I will not be rescued in such filth!"

Suzaku somehow felt that insult personally, and spat back with as much vigor, "Listen! I'm this ship! I don't give orders, I give 'em! This is my dreamboat, _sweet heart."_

Euphemia shook her head, as if personally insulted, _"Sweet heart!?"_

"...Uh oh." Was all Nina could add. The princess was back to the wall radio.

"How dare you speak to me that way! You will address me in the proper manner as Her Royal Highness! I am Euphemia li Britannia! Daughter of Charles, King of the Britannians!"

Somehow, the enormity of their job finally hit Suzaku and Jeremiah at those words. Suzaku gave a deflated groan.

"Ah... just what we needed. A Brit princess."

Jeremiah frowned, "Funny, she doesn't look like a Brit."

-

-

-

The flying Winnebago took off, just as the family van was entirely taken in by the Ikaruga-4PS2. Inside the hangar that was probably stolen from some LucasArts studio back lot, several dozen armed mooks surrounded the captured vehicle from all sides.

Zero Helmet, accompanied by his second in command, approached the ring of men, which gave way to him, for fear of their gonads.

"**Now we will show her who is more Keikaku in this Galaxy."** Zero fabulously chortled. He halted a guard that armed his... laser machine gun like apparatus, and was preparing to threaten the van.

"**Wait. I'll handle this myself, for once."**

The guard saluted, **"**Jawol, Lord Helmet!"

Zero turned to look at the guard for a second, as strangely as he could from behind his helmet. He shrugged it off and walked towards the royal vehicle.

"**So, Princess Euphemia. You thought you could outwit the imperious forces of Planet Black Knight! Well you were wrong. You are now our prisoner, and you will be held until such time, as all the air is transferred from your planet... to ours..."**

Zero Helmet reached for the door handle to the driver's side, and pulled it open. He looked inside for a few seconds. Then, he turned to Kallen and all the men in view, pulling his helmet up.

"She's not in there!"

Kallen's arms went protectively for her chest. Everyone else cringed away, covering their crotches, in a unanimous clatter of falling guns.

The comm hiccuped to life over Zero's head, announcing, _"Radar repaired, sir. We're detecting an outline of a... Winnebago."_

Zero's face stretched in shock and remembrance, "Winnebago...!? Suzaku...!"

The evil overlord slammed his fist into the backside of the open car door, "SUUUZZAAAKUUU!"

The car door doth protested, and swung back, smacking him in the face.

-

-

-

Suzaku looked up the TV screen, set to a proximity radar system, and found the the massive electronic form of Ikaruga bearing down on the their own tiny ship in the center of the screen.

"Uh oh, here comes the bad guys."

Jeremiah rubbed his chin, "We'd better leave in a hurry."

Suzaku already was on the ball, his escape route already planned out, "Switch to secret hyper jets!"

"Switching to secret hyper jets!" Jeremiah confirmed, more buttons and switches being accessed.

Suzaku grabbed for the radio, calling back to his escapees, "Buckle up, back there! We're going into... hyper active!"

With a final push of a button, the posterior of the Lancelot Seigfried, underneath the back window, slid away, letting two large nozzles poke through.

Those on the Ikaruga didn't pay attention to these developments. Particularly Zero Helmet, who, despite his continued abuse, fabulously rushed back to the Bridge with Kallen, ordering to catch up. Catching up they were indeed.

"We're closing in on them sir! In less than a minute, Kuruugi Suzaku will be ours!" Kallen exclaimed. (K/N: If... if we catch them, Zero-sama might be proud of me!)

"**Good,"**Zero growled, **"Prepare to attack!"**

"Prepare to attack!

Bridge Bunnies around them excitedly pushed more buttons, looking very busy.

"**On the count of three... One... twoooo..."**

The Winnebago leapt into the distance with a startling burst of speed. Zero slid his helmet up.

"...LATE! What happened, where are they!?" Zero fabulously whined.

"I-I don't know sir! They must have hyper jets on that thing!"

"And what do we have on this!? Cupid hats!?"

"No sir!"

"Well find them! Capture them!"

"Yes sir!" Kallen frantically grabbed for a microphone shouting into it, "Prepare ship for light speed!"

Zero stopped her, growling fabulously, "No, no! Light speed's too slow!"

"Light Speed too slow!?"

"We're going to have to go to... LUDICROUS SPEED!"

There was a gasp that reverberated across the bridge, along with a silence, as Kallen stammered.

"L-Ludicrous speed!? Sir, we've never gone that fast before, I don't know if the ship can take it-"

Zero turned his spittle upon his second in command, mocking, "What's wrong, Kallen Sandurz!? Chicken!? 'I'm too high and refrained for something like Ludicrous speed'!? 'Oh, Oh, no more buttered scones for me, old chum, I'm off to play the Grand Piano'!?"

Kallen sniffled, and obviously her subtext thoughts were in jumbles. But she let her professionalism take over. Thank god for professionalism. Hell know what she would have been like if she were just another Zero Helmet fangirl. Digressing.

"PREPARETHESHIP-" Kallen squeaked, and then brought her voice under control, "Prepare ship! For ludicrous speed!"

Red lights and alarm klaxons opened up all over the ship, sending people rushing to follow Kallen's commands

"Fasten all seat belts! Seal all entrances and exits! Close all shops in the mall! Cancel the three-ring circus! Secure all animals in the zoo-"

Zero snatched the mic from Kallen's hand, "Give me that, you petty excuse for an officer!" Zero then fabulously commanded into the mic, "Now hear this! Ludicrous speed-"

"Sir! I think you may want to buckle up..." Kallen managed to pipe up from her secured seat.

Zero already brushed her off, with a derisive snort, "Ah, buckle this. Ludicrous speed, Go-Woooaarrggh-!"

Ikaruga-4PS2 took off in a blink. Zero was left holding onto the closest desk he could, while his legs went flailing into the air.

And thus, Zero fabulously screamed. Little signs showed up as the stars outside got more and more bizarre. It was if they were flying down a plaid tube towards Scotland.

**Plot Light Speed. Plot Ridiculous Speed! PLOT LUDICROUS SPEED!?**

"Aruguhghg...what've Ighdowne... !? Mah brains... areghoing...intomghafeet!" Zero managed to say, as his tongue started to slide down his throat.

Kallen grimaced from her seat, and wondered if this would be a good opportunity to try and save Zero-sama.

-

-

-

"What's that... WOAH-"

Suzaku and Jeremiah instinctively ducked in their seats, while a thunderous roar of a tube of red patterning went soaring over them, while they were still in light speed.

"What the hell was that...!?" Suzaku muttered, mystified, while the light of the pattern glowed in their cabin.

"I... believe that was Ikaruga-4PS2."

"...They've gone to plaid." Was all the captain could manage to say.

-

-

-

Somehow, Zero was looking behind him, as if he knew what was going on. Or rather, he knew what was going on, but no one has a damn clue how he did.

"We'vgth passeged thfem! Stopgthifthinggh!"

"We can't stop... it's too dangerous... We've got to slow down first..." Kallen managed to gasp out between the Gs. Other Bridge Bunnies were currently wall ornaments.

"Bullgthshit! Shtop this thingggh! I orrhderyou... STTOOOP!"

His wish was pretty much her command. Grunting with great effort from her seat, Kallen reached for an out of the way lever that was attached a box on the floor that said "Emergency Stop. Never Use."

Kallen used it.

Everybody found out that "Never Use" referred to the issues revolving around persisting momentum. Zero Helmet proved that. As soon as the Ikaruga came jerking to a halt out of ludicrous speed, Zero lost his grip on the desk and went hurtling clear across the command center, and crashing somewhere near the front. Noisily and Messily.

Kallen was already prying herself out of her seat belts, "Zero-sama!"

Mooks close to Zero helped to pry free the head that was implanted inside another console just underneath the front window of the bridge.

"Here, let me help you sir."

"Careful, sir..."

The crumpled helmet unearthed itself, and stood proud atop the rest of Zero's body. Zero's fabulous face still managed to mostly fabulous. If you could think of it as fabulously bloody and bruised. Probably Kallen did as she approached her commander.

"A-Are you alright sir?"

Zero gave her a dazed stare, "Fine... how've you beenn...?"

"F-Fine, sir." (K/N: He asked me how I was...!)

"Goouhd..."

"It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet!" Kallen sighed with relief.

"Yeeah..."

"What should we do now, sir?"

"...Well... are we stopped...?"

"We are, sir."

"...goodngth... why don't we take a five minute break?"

"Very good, sir!" Kallen wasn't quite sure why she was agreeing.

"Smoke if you got 'em..."

Zero Helmet fabulously collapsed with a unceremonious "chunk" from his helmet.

-

-

-

It seemed safe enough for Suzaku and Jeremiah, not sensing Ikaruaga anywhere near them, either with their sensors or with their incredibly huge or incredibly over inflated sense of instinct. Suzaku thus gave the go ahead.

"Take her out of hyper active, Jeremiah."

"Taking her out of hyper active, aye."

Pushing a handlebar forward, the lines of blue light shrunk back into the normal view of the stars in space. The two sighed and stretched back into their chairs.

"Congratulations, Suzaku. Another job completed. Those Black Knights must have over shot us by an extra season."

The captain chuckled, before grabbing the wheels, "Alright, let's get our money. Set a course for Britannia."

"Setting a course for Bri-i-i-...!?"

The stutter in Jeremiah's confused voice was brought on by a sudden turbulent rocking that had set into the Winnebago, while a small alarm repeated.

Suzaku looked around, "What's going on!?"

"I don't know! We're losing power..." Jeremiah looked at the dashboard, and found one dial, which had the red arrow all the way on the 'E', "Why? Because we're out of gas!"

"Dah, we must have burned it up in hyper active..."

"I told you we should have put more than five bucks worth of gas in!"

The rocking got worse, making the flying camper van nearly impossible to manuver.

"Whatever! We need to set her down! Give me a reading!"

Jeremiah clasp his hands together, "Ourfatherwhoartinheavenhallowedbethyname!-"

Suzaku smacked him, "Will you knock that off!?"

Jeremiah gritted his teeth in annoyance, and moved on to fiddling with whatever controls left would work. Suzaku spoke into the comm again.

"You guys better buckle up back there! You okay, princess?"

There were sounds of bewildered screams, falling objects, and pieces of everything else shaking, followed by the princess' voice, beyond irate.

"_NO, YOU IDIOT! WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO FLY!?"_

Suzaku didn't bother answering, tossing the mouth piece away, so he could concentrate on driving his Lancelot towards the surface of that desert planet in the distance.

"Alright, Lancelot Ass Kicker, touching down!"

The Winnebago screamed through the air, dive bombing the endless dunes that got more and more distinctive every second.

"Left, left! I mean, right! Pull up! Pull up!" Jeremiah managed to not squeal, while covering his face.

The Winnebago only managed to even out its rapid descent, bouncing off a dune or two, before crashing into the top of one, sending sand spraying everywhere, into the air and against the windshield.

-

-

-

In the back room, amidst the mess, Euphemia finally stood up, having since ditched most of extra wedding apparel just to breath a bit better. Bare arms and shoulders, she hiked up her feathery looking dress and began to march out.

"Princess! Where are you going...!?"

"I... am going to tell him off, once and for all!"

Of course, with the expression Euphemia had on her face, you'd be worried if her idea of "telling off" somehow included a nearby baseball stadium full of people, and a strong desire to reenact "The Sum of All Fears"

Nina, luckily, had glasses for clarity, "W-w-woah, wait! We need him to get us out of here!"

-

-

-

Suzaku, after shutting off the engine, was practically tearing the seatbelt off him, growling. Jeremiah watched on, somewhat passively

"Call me an IDIOT!? I'm going back there and giving that 'princess' a piece of my mind!"

"Wait, you don't even know what she looks like-"

Suzaku sneered, "Oh I know what she looks like. Seen one princess, you've seen 'em all!"

-

-

-

"Besides..." Nina flushed slightly, "He's... got a nice voice? He might be... cute?"

Euphemia choked, "Cute!? I know these space bums! They're all alike! Fat! Ugly!"

-

-

-

"-buck-toothed, knock-kneed-"

-

-

-

"-beer swilling PIGS!"

Euphemia swirled around and opened the door, rushing down the living room/galley.

-

-

-

"Horse faced SPACE DOGS!"

Suzaku jumped from his seat and tromped down the living room/galley.

Jeremiah tried to rise and follow, "Normally I would-UGHK!"

He forgot he was still wearing his seat belt, and had to unbuckle, gagging, "That's going to leave a mark..."

-

-

-

"Now listen you..." Euphemia began to berate. Her attempt faltered and fell flat on its face. Normally, she would have been able to fling all her fury on that ugly slob that dared command her, but... well...

Jeremiah's captain was the farthest damn thing from fat or ugly. Shit, he looked really good in that coat, too. It framed his athletic body a bit too well. Eghk.

Suzaku too, found a hostile leak in the tank of his brewing disgust. Normally, he would have been scathingly rude to whatever skinny bag of spoilt bones dare scream like a banshee for a pony.

Euphemia li Britannia... wasn't exactly that. Shit-damn, she filled out that dress exceedingly well. Damn, why did her dress have to be so low cut...!?

The two of them tried to keep their attention on the adjacent's faces. Though that wasn't much of an improvement. No outpost teeth or pig noses. Just damn debonair.

Shit.

Suzaku swallowed, and tried to regain lost ground, with a pointed finger, "You listen! I'm this ship! Therefore you are to refer to me as Idiot! Not 'You, Captain'!"

Euphemia brow beat the Idiot. He choked, "I-I mean...you know what I mean!"

"And you will not call me 'you'. You will will never address me as 'you'. You will call me Your Royal Highness!" The princess icily shot back, restarting their little war.

"Well, you are a Royal Pain in The-"

Jermeiah arrived in time, coughing, "Excuse me?"

"What!?" The other two belligerents snorted.

"May I make a small suggestion? Any minute now, the Black Knights are going to make a major U-Turn, come back this way, and make us ALL dead."

Suzaku came to his senses, and admitted, "He's right, we need to go."

"Wait! My things."

A sigh, "Now listen, you royal-"

Jeremiah coughed loudly again. Suzaku nearly rolled his eyes. The best he managed was turning his gaze briefly in the direction of his co-pilot for a second, before continuing.

"...Highness. Take ONLY what you need to Survive!"

Jeremiah tried to help frowning in an attempt to look intimidating.

-

-

-

In the end, they dropped the medium sized bags.

Euphemia so far, had little trouble marching across the dunes, a petite purse sandwiched between her arm and the side of her body.

Nina scampered behind, carrying a parasol to hold over her princess' head, while dragging a wheeled travel bag.

Behind, Suzaku and Jeremiah toiled with some huge chest, carrying it between the two of them with the handle on either side of the wide, heavy trunk. The latter also forced with several more strapped satchels around his body.

"I... hope she didn't... forget anything..." Was all Mr. Loyalty added, in regards to his troubles.

After some 17 dunes of hauling their wares around, Suzaku's irritated curiosity finally got the better of him. If he was going to voluntarily keep murdering his arm like this, he had to right to know why.

"Dah, hold on, hold on. Orange, put it down..."

"Augh, finally..."

Euphemia and Nina turned around to the two men stretching their exhausted limbs, before Suzaku finally moved to the front of the patterned case.

"What is in this thing!?" He muttered to himself, before fumbling with the lock and flipping the lid open. What he saw inside didn't impress him very much.

It was a blow dryer. Mind you, it was a pretty damn big one, since Suzaku had to pick it up with both hands to glare at it.

This probably explained the princess' incredible hair. Still.

"What's this? I though I said 'only take what you need to survive'!"

Euphemia sauntered up, with a slight tinge of malice in her eyes, "That's my industrial strength hair dryer... AND I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT IT!"

Suzaku growled an earthquake. Euphemia glared some laser beams.

"Alright princess, that's it. The fairy tale's over." Suzaku patronized, before cupping his hand around his mouth to exaggerate his words to the princess, "Welcome to real life! If you want this blow dryer, YOU carry it."

The hot air machine hit the sand with a loud thunk. The princess looked up, snarling.

"You pick that up...!"

"You, pick it up." Suzaku shot back, smart assed.

"You insolent peasant! Nobody talks to me that way!" Euphemia turned to the shriek at empty planet, "NOBODY!"

"Weelll, what do we have here!?" Suzaku drawled, smirking as the princess glowered, "Those flashing eyes, those flushing cheeks, those trembling lips... you know something, princess? You're pretty ugly when you're angry."

"That's it. You and your fruit are F-!"

Jeremiah revealed his expertise in deflecting the murderous intent, "Excuse me, please, it's going to be very dark soon, so I suggest we find a place to camp for the night."

Euphemia was led away, fuming, by Nina. Suzaku and Jeremiah high fived, before reaching for the chest once more, leaving the contents to dry up in the sun.

"See? It's lighter. Sometimes you just need to let people understand different perspectives." Suzaku shrugged.

Jeremiah nodded sagely, "This is the best. I could carry two or three of these..."

-

-

-

"**Have you found them yet?"**

"Nothing shows up, Lord Helmet. They're still not showing on the scanner."

"**Well, keep looking."**

Zero Helmet sighed through his replacement helmet, while intermittently and fabulously pouring some coffee out of the Styrofoam cup in his hand, and into the eye slot that also opened up for procedures such as these.

In front of him, Kallen Sandurz looked over the shoulder of yet another Bridge Bunny among Bridge Bunnies, who was looking at another radar screen, that seemed to be the only thing all Bridge Bunnies did. (This probably explained why Jamming is so disastrous.)

They had looked at this radar for near an hour since they lost Suzaku and their prey, and as of yet turned up nothing.

Then Kallen fiddled with the extra brain power she had that wasn't entirely devoted to memorizing Zero-sama's habits, and came up with something admittedly brilliant. She caught her commander's attention.

"Pardon me, sir. I have an idea." She turned to the Bridge Bunny, "Corporal, download a copy of "Code Grease: The Movie!"

Zero's masked face turned towards Kallen sharply, quite clearly going "What the-!?"

"Yes sir!" The mook exclaimed, getting from his seat. He moved to another console that had the label "Mr. Pirate to Pirate" labeled over top. With it, he started flipping through file names, looking for one that was titled the same as this story.

Zero didn't seem very pleased, given his voice, **"Kallen Sandurz, may I speak with you please!"**

"Y-Yes sir?" Kallen stammered, walking to stand beside her commander. (K/N: H-Holy shit! He asked for me!)

The helmet came up, Zero fabulously hissing, "How can there be a Code Grease: The Movie!? We're still in the middle of making it!"

"That's true sir, but there's been a new break through in the online underworld!"

"There is...?"

"Yes! Instant episodes! You download them before they're even broadcasted!"

Zero waved such presumptuous ideas away, "Naw...!"

As if rebuking that contempt, the corporal mook among mooks suddenly called out, "Here sir! Code Grease the movie!"

**[PWMA-subs] Code Grease Movie 29 (Xvid)(9000x2700)(HD)(H.2840)[K583183](Free chicken for every seed)..MKVI**

"Very good, corporal! Download it into the computer!"

The Mook pressed a few buttons on his end, before returning to the radar-scanner-thingus. The three of them gathered about the screen, while a pre-movie jingle came on.

-

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**Dun dun dun-dun-dun dun dun dun.**

YOU WOULDN'T STEAL A CAR.

**Dun dun dun-dun-dun dun dun dun.**

**YOU WOULDN'T REFUSE TO TIP A WAITRESS.**

**Dun dun dun-dun-dun dun dun dun.**

YOU WOULDN'T POACH AN ENDANGERED SPECIES-

**Dun dun dun-dun-dun dun dun dun.**

**-**

**-**

**-**

Kallen frowned, "This is far to early! Corporal, prepare to fast forward!"

"Preparing to fast forward!"

"Fast forward!"

"Fast forwarding, sir!"

-

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_CODE GEASS: 2008 HALLOWEEN SPECIAL Once upon a PLOT TWIST: In a galaxy, very, very, very, very far away, there lived a ruthless race of beings, known as... The Order of Black Knights. Turn 11, Round 17, Game 9, 2nd Week of the International Chess Convention: The evil leaders of Planet Black Knight, having foolishly squandered their precious atmosphere, have devised a secret plan to take every breath of air away from their peace-loving neighbor, Planet Britannia. Today is Princess Euphemia li Britannia's wedding day. Unbeknownst to the princess, but knownst to us, danger lurks in the stars above... (If you can read this, you don't need glasses.) (This thing is so drab without music.) Across the vast nothingness of space, the Black Knight's flag ship, Ikaruga-4PS2 sailed. The Ikaruga was big. The Ikaruga was large. The Ikaruga was immense. The Ikaruga was Tengen Topping. My god is it big. You really need to realize how big this thing is. This giant, black and blue ship, with its smooth surface, sailing across space, and it was huge. It just keeps going on and on, like the Energizer Bunny. There is no end to this thing. How much of story's budget was sacrificed to actually create this thing? Damn, you are big. The immenseness of your bigness should be written in some sort of lyrical epic, giving tribute to how many man hours was wasted beforehand, during production, just so you would appear in this story. One would think you were a reject from Super Dimension Fortress Macross. In fact, Macross was built off the world "Macbeth", which is kinda lyrical, if only for the Iambic Pentameter, but I think there's something there, anywa-_

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Zero Helmet's eyes bulged as he watched his life fabulously flash before his eyes before he was anywhere close to dead. And in picture quality better than even real life itself.

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_-Zero snatched the mic from Kallen's hand, "Give me that, you petty excuse for an officer!" Zero then fabulously commanded into the mic, "Now hear this! Ludicrous speed-"_

"_Sir! I think you may want to buckle up..." Kallen managed to pipe up from her secured seat._

_Zero already brushed her off, with a derisive snort, "Ah, buckle this. Ludicrous speed, Go-Woooaarrggh-!"_

_Ikaruga-4PS2 took off in a blink. Zero was left holding onto the closest desk he could, while his legs went flailing into the air-_

-

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-

Zero continued to grimace at the memory, before all out balking.

-

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_-Grunting with great effort from her seat, Kallen reached for an out of the way lever that was attached a box on the floor that said "Emergency Stop. Never Use."_

_Kallen used it._

_Everybody found out that "Never Use" referred to the issues revolving around persisting momentum. Zero Helmet proved that. As soon as the Ikaruga came jerking to a halt out of ludicrous speed, Zero lost his grip on the desk and went hurling clear across the command center, and crashing somewhere near the front. Noisily and Messily-_

-

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-

"No, no! Past this part, past this part! In fact, never show this again..." Zero offered, before uneasily sipping his coffee. The screen went into a blur of color as the video file sped up even faster.

"Try here, stop." Kallen ordered.

-

-

-

_Kallen Sandurz and Zero Helmet jumped back at the Radar-Scanner-Thingus, shocked by the image of themselves. Their backs, anyways._

This was certainly a strange experience. They took turns twisting around behind them to try and look for whatever camera it was that was recording them.

_Zero waved his hand at the screen. The image on screen followed in real time._

"_...What the hell am I looking at!? When does this happen in the movie!?"  
_

_Kallen quickly answered, "Now, sir. You're looking at Now. Everything that's happening Now, is happening, Now."_

"What happened to Then!?"

"We passed Then."

"When!?"

"Now. We're at Now-Now."

"_Go back to Then!"_

"Now?"

"Now!"

"_I can't."_

"Why?"

"We just missed it."

"When?"

"Just Now."

"_...When will Then be Now?"_

"Soon!"

"_How soon?"_

-

-

-

"Sir, we've identified their location!" The Corporal cried, after fiddling with the movie some more. It finally hit an image where the four stranded escapees were trudging across the sand.

Zero and Kallen turned from their dialogue with newfound enthusiasim.

"Where!?" Zero practically screamed. If done, would have been fabulous.

"It's the distant planet of China!"

"Good work! Set a course and prepare for our arrival!" Kallen quickly ordered.

"When!?"

"Nineteen hundred hours, sir-"

"-By high noon tomorrow they shall be our prisoners!"

"NUNNALLY! I'M COMING HOOOOO**OOOMME!"** Zero fabulously screamed, throwing his arms out, his mask slamming over his face.

(K/N: Why won't he ever scream for me like that...)

-

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-

Night on the desert planet. The two men found use for the luggage. One princess objected. One fan girl managed to convince her idol there weren't many other options for survival.

Hence, the four of them warmed themselves to a campfire they managed to start to ward off the desert freeze of night. The lumber used had an exquisite printed floral arrangement on it, that probably cost Euphemia li Britannia a mint to buy.

As for the princess in question, though Jeremiah and Nina were soundly dozing off, she apparently had too much pout in her to sleep. Plus it was cold. The shawl she managed to fish out from somewhere didn't manage to do much to keep the cold from her bared arms. Regardless she put up with it, and continued to expend her effort to look skyward.

She shivered. A coat wrapped itself around her, with some assistance from a man Euphemia didn't care much for.

She tried to brush him off, "No thank you, I'm perfectly alright-"

"Take it, it's freezing." Suzaku insisted.

"If you insist..."Euphemia pouted some more while accepting the coat. She couldn't help but take a whiff of a cold, and noticed with a grimace that it was in deep need of removing the smell of sweat.

"Won't you be cold?" The princess asked.

"Nah, cold doesn't bother me."

Euphemia went back to looking up in the sky some more. Suzaku took the opportunity to shiver and stuff his hands under his armpits. His reputation was at stake after all, much less his health.

Finally, she gave a sigh, "I can't seem to find Britannia."

"It's over there."

"What?"

Suzaku pointed in another direction, "Over there, it's that big blue one, right there."

Euphemia leaned in close to follow the direction of the finger. Indeed, the princess now found a bright blue star in the distance, presumably her home.

"Oh yes...! But it's so far-"

The princess turned her head, and realized how close she had gotten to the space-bum without becoming uncomfortable. She quickly returned to her original seating, lamely ending her "...away..."

"Don't worry, I'll get you there."

The conversation seemed in danger of dying, now that they awkwardly separated. Euphemia scrambled for something to say.

"So, which one's yours?"

"Who knows."

"...You don't know where you're from?"

"Not really. I was found on a doorstep of a monastery."

"Monastery? Where?"

"Somewhere in the Ford Galaxy..."

"...Well, didn't the monks tell you who your parents were?"

"They couldn't. They were under a vow of silence. All I got was this. It was with me when I was found."

Suzaku reached into his pocket, and handed her a rather battered pocket watch. Opening it up revealed it didn't even work anymore, nothing more than a jumbled mess of removed glass and twisted metal. On the inside of the hinged cover though, something was written.

"What does it mean?" Euphemia asked.

A shrug, "I don't know. I've taken it to every wise man in the universe, but nobody knows what it means"

"W-well, it's beautiful."

The two separated again after Euphemia returned Suzaku's one lone keepsake.

"...So, how come you ran away from their wedding?"

"Well, if you must know, I wasn't in love with the groom."

"Why were you going to marry him?"

"Because, I'm a princess, and I have to marry a prince."

"Ah, and he doesn't 'do it' for you?" Suzaku intoned.

"No, he doesn't 'do it', for me." Euphemia deadpanned, before sighing, "I really must go back... I shouldn't have run away. I now realize love is one luxury a princess cannot afford."

Suzaku thought about the princess' lofty annunciations before agreeing, "You're probably right..."

"I now know I must learn to live without love."

Suzaku could practically hear a violin serenade now, "I guess so."

The runaway bride seemed to be getting really into her rant, "Besides, love isn't that important!"

"Never was."

"I could be perfectly happy the rest of my life without-"

She turned and realized, they were sitting together. How's that for proximity.

"...Love."

"Sure you could..."

"...Without physical contact..."

This time, there was a failure to break apart again.

"...Yeah..."

"...Without being held..."

In fact, they seemed to start gravitating more and more.

"...Yeah..."

"...Or kissed...?"

"..."

**"VENGEANCE FOR EUPHEMIA-SAMA!"**

Something then person sized tackled Suzaku off his seat. Jeremiah had also jumped up, awake and prepared.

"Who needs my loyalty in this time of need!?"

The princess stared at the thing that was trying to strangle Suzaku, "Nina..."

"Are you unharmed, Euphemia-sama!? What did he touch!? I'll castrate him in your name!"

"Nothing happened!"

Suzaku managed to pry the woman off him, growling, "What the hell are you doing!?"

Nina backed away, venomously pointing with a finger, "Scum! Know that I have trained my consciousness to have an inbuilt Virgin Alarm for Euphemia-sama, set to go off before you do!"

"So you're paranoid and possessive?" Jeremiah rather unashamedly asked.

"...Hmph."

Suzaku raised his arms in defeat, "Look, maybe we should try to all get some sleep-"

"Don't try to brush off the subject, you sex fiend!"

"Hey, we've got to get some rest and get moving before dawn."

"Why so early?" Jeremiah asked. Euphemia also had her curiosity.

Suzaku put it rather bluntly, "Because, we're in the middle of a desert, and we're not going to get far, once that blazing sun gets overhead."

The two of them looked up into the sky.

-

-

-

You are now imagining that blazing sun overhead.

Suzaku regretted saying that previous line as he panted with every step

The four stranded folk found trudging through the sand to be much more torturous now. Even Euphemia lost the heart to start dragging what remained of her luggage. All they had was their clothes on their back, and lots of sweat.

Still, they pleaded for whatever respite they could. Perhaps hallucinating.

Suzaku panted, "Water...!"

Jeremiah's eyes watered, "Juice...!"

Euphemia continued being herself, "Room service...!"

The sun, frankly, didn't care.

Hours later, the party was reduced to Nina tossed over Jeremiah's shoulder, long since unconscious, while Euphemia was a bit more graciously carried like a bride in Suzaku's arms. The two men toiled with the remains of their strength.

"Suzaku... I don't think... I can..."

"Just one more dune..."

"You said that... seven dunes ago... I got nothing left... waiter... check please!"

That was when Jeremiah's face hit the ground, and decided to keep sleeping in that position, while Nina rolled off and down the dune. Suzaku continued to stagger forward, chanting to himself.

"Must go on... Must go on! Must go on... who am I kidding..."

Ka-thunk.

-

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Ikaruga-4PS2 reached the orbit of the distant planet of China. Just thought I should let you guys know.

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"It's a small world after all! It's a small world after all! It's a small world after all! It's-a small-world after alll...!"

Six children of various ages decided marching in procession across desert wastes was terribly fun. Nobody could quite understand the logic of it, but when the leader of the trek went by the name of Rolo, stuff tended to happen.

For example, the second kid in line, Hansel, a rather adorable little boy with a shining face out of the Shining and wearing funeral clothes, decided for once to look left instead of right.

"Rolo! Rolo! There's some collapsed people over there!"

"Really... are they dead? Remember, we're only allowed to go through the pockets of dead people."

"I can't tell from here..."

"Whatever my brother insists, I vouch for him!"

"Yeah yeah, Gretel, we already know you two are basically one vote." Alyssa Searrs duly snorted.

"But... I want to go back home and eat Gelato..." Henrietta whined.

Kevin, far in the back, didn't say anything, and rather preferred to let the sunlight glint off his glasses in an stylish manner. He was probably considering whether the bodies in the distance were edible.

Rolo pondered this situation as best as he could.

"How about this, guys? We check on them. If they're dead, we'll go through their pockets. If they're alive, we'll make them sing "It's the song that never ends" with us, and see how long they last then. Are we agreed?"

Some hands raised, so that was votes enough for affirmative in Rolo's mind.

The six kids descended the slope.

-

-

-

Sthunck.

"FUCK-OWW!"

That was Suzaku's first words, after returning to consciousness.

"Hi." Rolo thus replied.

The resurrected captain, looked about him, and saw his party being tended to by several kids.

"Who are you!?"

"The guy who revitalized you."

Suzaku looked down at the thing stuck in his chest.

"Couldn't you have just given me water!?"

"I could, but it's our water. You only get saline and adrenaline shots."

"I drew the target dot on your chest!" Gretel exclaimed, marker in one hand, before scampering off somewhere.

Suzaku wasn't quite sure to say here. "So, now...?"

"Well, you can either go about your way, or you can come with us. You'll have to sing with us, though."

"Sing?"

"Yeah, sing. We'll also be having a pot to see how long you last."

"...Oh. Okay."

Somewhere in the background, kids were chattering.

"Done! Your turn, Kevin!"

Sthunck.

"HAGH! EVERYWHERE! THOUSANDS OF THEM!" Euphemia screamed,bolting up right with a needle in her chest.

-

-

-

However he did it, Zero Helmet was fabulously looking through binoculars, even with his helmet mask on. That said, attention should be paid to his get up currently.

No, he still had his cape, still had the mask, the gloves, the suit and all that.

It was all in desert camouflage. Apparently this made him better prepared for the desert and more prone to be unseen, even if he was standing up from inside an open air space jeep. When I say "space" this is basically a catch all for basically any wheeled vehicle that somehow took it into its head that floating in mid air was much more suitable than using the wheels it was born with.

(Like the debate about giant robots and tanks. Apparently tanks can't be pleased with man eating treads. Now, they have to walk now. Or skate. Why couldn't they just attack skates to tanks instead of giant robots? More cost effective. You don't need giant robots. You just need giant tanks.)

Kallen sat in the back seat next to where Zero was peering about with his binoculars, and an armed mook of some variety or other at the wheel.

"**I don't see them, Kallen."**

Kallen wrestled with several maps in her arms and lap and a flash light she had in her mouth for reasons even beyond me, "I've sent the troops along to vector 78, sir..."

"**Good. All conditions have been cleared. Let's get moving."**

"Very well, sir. Driver, prepare to move out."

Zero dropped his grand voice, scoffing, "What are you preparing for? You're always preparing! Just go!"

(K/N: F-forgive me, Zero-sama! I am not worthy!) "Just go."

"Yes Sir."

"Sir, maybe you should sit down-?"

Zero, who was still standing, promptly pitched backwards, head over heels, and fell off the jeep as it took off.

-

-

-

Nobody had betted on the four actually singing "This is the Song That Never Ends" all the way to the end, though, thereby not dying. So nobody won the twenty bucks being passed around when they finally reached Rolo(and other psychopathic children)'s home.

"Your home is a rock?" Suzaku said with another brow beating, noting the giant uneven plateau abruptly rising from the sand.

"Underneath, actually. It's quite cool down there."

There was a conveniently placed cellar door in the side of the giant... rock, for access, which led to a descending set of stairs. The protagonists followed the kids downward into the abyss.

At some point, their undersized guides disappeared in the gloom and shadows of the underground... place, leaving the four of them somehow stumbling into a large hall.

"Where are we?" Euphemia could only ask in confusion.

"Looks like the Temple of Doom...!" Jeremiah loudly proclaimed, looking about him. It certainly had a similar air to the movie of LOYALTY involving that Chinese kid fannish devotion to the archaeologist.

"Well sure ain't Temple of Jupiter..." Nina deadpanned.

"_Kochi, kochi!"_ Was Gretel's playful voice in the distance. It sounded rather Psycho, the rate it was going.

"Lions, Tigers and Bears, Oh My" is now playing in your head, manually.

Still, Suzaku insisted, "I think we better follow...?"

The four of them holding hands not to lose themselves in the darkness, as they approached the giant thing on the throne up ahead. Smoke started fuming out the sides of its ears.

"I think we woke it up... " Jeremiah swallowed uncertainly.

Yep, it certainly woke up, now that it was staring at them all with these red eyes that were saying, "Time for Domination Kill."

Nina, vested in the ways of science, knew the video game that was spoken of, and tried to twist about, "Good bye guys! Tell me when it's over-"

Several hand grabbed her by the collar and arms and hauled her back.

"Nina, get back-"

"We gotta keep moving-"

"L-Loyalty! Yes!"

They managed to keep walking, though the giant figure on its throne, spouting steam and smoke through it's _Long, Silky Hair_, and beady red eyes, continued to dampen prospects.

"What's going to happen now...!?" Euphemia whimpered.

"Don't ask, maybe it won't..."

_Hissss..._

Jeremiah's Loyalty Juice ran out. He broke from the group, all frantic.

"But what if it does!? I don't know about you, but I think I took enough crap in my life-"

"Jeremiah-!"

"Shut up!"

"I need to get out of here right now and-"

The mouth of the giant spat a gout of flame that came with a tremendous roar strong enough to shut them all up with a yelp. The giant smoking thing thus spake.

"**SILENCE. WHO DARES ENTER THE SACRED AND AWESOME PRESENCE, OF THE EVERLASTING KNOW IT ALL: V.V.!?"**

Suddenly, fear dissipated into awe.

"V.V...!" The four of them gasped.

A little hatch slid away on the (paper mache) giant's throne, letting a fairly puny boy through, brushing back his _long, siiillky_ hair over his cape.

"Oh, you heard of me?"

Suzaku guffawed, "Heard of you!? Who hasn't heard of V.V.!"

"V.V. the Trustworthy!"

"V.V the Long Lasting!"

"V.V the Sincere!"

The boy waved that all away, "Please, please, I'm just V.V."

Suzaku remembered something, "Wait a minute, if you're V.V.-"

V.V. nodded, "Yes. I am the keeper of a great magic, a power known through out the universe as the-"

"Geass!?" Jeremiah excitedly answered.

"Nope. Better. _Grease."_

The four heroes awed, recognizing that powerful word, "Grease...!"

"Yes, GRLE-AS-U!"

"Ooooohh..."

"Wait a minute, but V.V.," Suzaku came to ask, "What is this place? What is it that you do here?"

The little guy shrugged, "Well, I run an orphanage, and other than that... Merchandising."

Jeremiah looked confused, "Merchandising?"

"Yeah, merchandising. I'll show you. Rolo? The wall, please."

Such a wall in the side of the temple... orphanage... place, slid up. While the rest of the place was some somber sandstone and torchlight looking monastery, on the other side of the wall was essentially a souvenir and convenience store. Glass cases held wares inside, and shelves were lined with peripherals of assorted kinds, and everything was decorated with blinking lights. V.V's children gathered about, while the kid beckoned the heroes of this story over.

"Walk this way! We put the series' name on everything! Merchandising! Merchandising! Where the real money from a show is made!"

V.V. pointed to various examples the crazy children pulled out.

"Code Grease the Hot Topic T-Shirt! Code Grease the Audio Drama! Code Grease the Lunchbox! Code Grease the Frozen Pizza! Code Grease the Anti-Tank Harpoooon-!"

Whatever it was that V.V. grabbed, a part of it when shooting of into the ceiling with a miniature explosion. Everybody applauded.

V.V. continued, holding the plush and exaggerated version of himself close to his face, "And finally... Code Grease the Doll. Me."

He pulled on a string. The doll squeaked in a high pitched tune, "_Maaarriaaannne! I'm comin' fo' yaaaa!"_

"...Will that even sell?"

"Shut up, Jeremiah. You, of all people, should understand the power of popularity."

"You mean, LOYALTY!"

"...Yeah, that."

-

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-

**Meanwhile, back at Black Knight City's White House. Or Black House. Whatever, it's where President Ougi was:**

This is Viletta and Rakshata's only scene.

No, it's not that I hate them.

But regardless, the two women, for reasons beyond even me, were in President Ougi's bedroom, lying under the covers of his Code Geass the Sheet.

They weren't naked by any long means of it, but their sleep apparel did contain a lot of bare shoulders and low cuts of their cleavage. Something was alive under the sheets as well, between the two women, and it apparently was enjoyable. What with their coy giggles and tickled laughter.

The wall beside them opened up to the televised face of Cecile Croomy.

"President Ougi!"

Viletta and Rakshata plunged under the sheets, hiding themselves. Ougi emerged, flustered in his pajamas and holding his hadback copy of "Don't Blame Me" upside down.

"W-What!? What is it!?"

"I have an urgent message from Lord Helmet. He's lost the princess."

"Somewhere in the sands of China."

Ougi frowned, and shouted fervently. He was probably annoyed that his book reading time was interrupted.

"Tell him to comb the desert! You hear me!? COMB THE DESERT!"

"Yes, sir!"

-

-

-

**This is like a slingshot. We're back in China already:**

Kallen Sandurz looked down at the printed orders, as she and Zero Helmet (in his Camo-Fab) stood on a dune, overseeing the combing of the desert. Zero had his helmet up, with a large megaphone in his hand.

She had only one thought on her mind.

(K/N: ...What the crap?)

"Sir...?"

The Megaphone swung into her face.

"WHAT?"

She flinched at the loud noise of her commander's voice.

"...Are we being too literal?"

"NO, YOU FOOL. WE'RE FOLLOWING ORDERS. WE WERE TOLD TO COMB THE DESERT, SO WE'RE COMBING IT!"

Zero lowered his megaphone and shouted to his Black Knight mooks down the dune, who were patiently sifting the sand through the teeth of their oversized combs, complete with genuine Ace Hand Rubber for the ease of use.

"Found anything yet!?"

"Nothing yet, sir!"

Zero turned to the second group, "How about you!?"

"Not a thing, sir!"

"How about you guys!?"

Dorothea Ernst and Black King looked up from their comb, glaring.

"We ain't found SHIT!"

-

-

-

Lord Helmet's shit was quite far from where he was looking for it. Underground as well.

As it were, Suzaku was asking V.V. for some pretty convenient help, as he was offering his pocket watch to the little brat. More specifically, he was showing him the inscription on the inside of the mechanism.

"It's a big mystery! None of the wise men can tell me what it means..." Suzaku explained, remembering some pretty lame adventures.

V.V. snorted, "Wise men? Pshaw! Wise guys, you mean. What do they know? Here, let me take a look."

The... boy, I suppose, snatched the watch from the hero's hand, and scrutinized it.

"Hmmm... Sugoi Kawaii Desu Honto Ni Clamp Chotto Matte Nihonji Tsundere Moe Yandere Teriyaki Sushi Ramen... HOLY ZEN!"

"You can read it!"

V.V. waved his hand negative, "Naw, I was just taking a piss at some people."

Suzaku sighed, but patiently waited for the GAKI (Kozo?) to properly read the thing.

"Ah... yes... yes... of course...!"

"You can understand it?"

The boy snorted, "What are you, dense? Are you retarded or something? Who the hell do you think I am? I'm the goddamn V.V. Of course I can read it."

"Well, what's it say?"

A shrug, "Er... I can't tell you that now."

"...What?"

"I will be revealed to you at the proper time."

Suzaku deflated.

"Great."

"Oi, cut that sarcasm out before I come in there with a bar of soap. I already gave you the damn Grease, you expect me to give more freebies? And stop rubbing your eye so hard, it's unhealthy. Back to your Grease training!"

V.V. smacked Suzaku on the shoulder in some attempt to be friendly, and prodded him over to the giant statue that was in the temple-place.

Our hero sighed and conceded on all accounts. But he still had some consternations concerning his powah.

"Alright, but I don't know how I'm supposed to move this statue by eyesight alone..."

"Never underestimate the power of the Grease! Come on, concentrate!"

"Does it really have to be out loud-"

"Yes. Do it."

"...** Kuruugi Suzaku commands you, with all your strength... LIFT! KIRA!"**

So Suzaku stared hard at the statue, using all his mental faculties (which wasn't too much, admittedly, compared to others in this universe) insisting that it lift.

It didn't help that V.V. idea of concentration was making sounds of constipation.

Regardless of all the distractions, miraculously, Suzaku really did manage to stare the statue into action. It was a little nudge at first, but before the whole thing was shuddering, and then taking to the air.

This would probably be the part in a children's movie where the triumphant horns would start playing.

"Suzaku! You're doing it! You're DOING IIIT!"

"Holy shit! I'm awesome!"

Jeremiah found this an impeccable time to arrive from off scene.

"Oi, my lord! How'd you do that...!?"

Suzaku's concentration slipped.

Jeremiah failed to notice foot was underneath the statue-

"WOOAURRGGHOLYSHIT! ZEEEERRROOOOOO!"

V.V. smacked Suzaku, "Do something!"

**"LIIIIIIIFFFFTT."**

The blurted command managed to lift the statue enough to let shrieking Jeremiah pull his pancaked foot out of there. There were advantages to being 50% orange. This story wouldn't have been able to continue otherwise if Jerry was human.

"S-Sorry, Orange..."

"T-This is how you reward Loyalty...!?"

Suzaku could only shrug helplessly. Jeremiah went off limping and swearing.

Since the under the rock had no concept of day or night, the story had already moved the rest of China into the deep black of night.

Kallen marched on some more mooks from under the shadow of the giant plateau, while Zero Helmet fabulously fumed somewhere near the wall, his helmet still turned upward.

"Keep searching!" Kallen sighed and trudged back to her annoyed commander, "It's no use sir! We've searched everywhere-!"

Zero stopped Kallen from talking as he shot his hand up for silence, his face twisted in surprise. Apparently he realized something his subordinate had yet to.

"Wait! I feel the presence of... GREASE!"

"Grease...!?" (K/N: He-he can tell I ate fast food the other day!? What will he say if he realizes I'm not actually spending all my efforts on maintaining a proper diet!?)

"Yes!" The bird shaped eyeball turned on. Zero started in Kallen's direction intently.

"It's coming from somewhere over...!"

Kallen covered her breasts. (K/N: He's going to kill me!)

"There!"

Zero pointed at the sand beside her. Kallen sighed in relief, and quickly went to scoop away the sand at the area. She voiced her surprise.

"You're right sir, there's a secret entrance here!" More sand removed revealed details on the cellar doors, "Look at this insignia! It's a V!"

Zero's face fabulously scrunched up, "! That miserable pest!"

Kallen tried to calm her commander down, "I-I'll call in the attack squad, sir!"

"No, no! We can't go in there, V.V. has Grease! It's far too powerful!"

"But sir! Your eyeball! Don't you have Grease, too!?"

"Naw, he got the upside, I got the down. You see, there's two sides to every Grease."

Kallen groaned, "Then how are going to go in and get the Princess?"

Zero Helmet was silent on that, before his helmet came down, his ominously fabulous voice declaring:

"**We will not go in THERE... She will come out to US!"**

With that, Zero's eye slot opened up again, revealing his eyeball again. Talk about redundancy.

Since it was night time, inside the temple, everyone took it as a pretty good cue to start sleeping soundly.

Euphemia, what with her pink hair and everything, probably called Suzaku and Jerry "Baka-Inu" and made them sleep on the floor somewhere far away in the temple. She got to sleep in the giant bed covered with sheets made of the furs of imaginary animals, surrounded by candlelight, since she was a lady. Or a "Royal Pain the-" in Suzaku's words.

Nina got to sleep on the table.

So while the princess slept, a voice began to echo around her, coaxingly as it could, given its owner.

_"EUPHEMIA LI, BRLITAAANNNIAAA!"_

The shouting helped her wake up her groggy head.

"D-Daddy...?"

_"My child... whhere have you, GOONE? It is I, YOUR FATHER. Charles zi, BRRLITTAANNIA!"_

Euphemia flung the covers off her, speaking to the air, "Daddy, I hear you, where are you?"

_"Follow my voooiice, my daaughter...!"_

In the commotion, Nina, who had otherwise been blissfully asleep on the hard wood, choked on one of her snores. Rubbing her eyes, she managed to catch sight of her princess heading up the stairs.

"Princess! Where are you going?" Nina hissed quietly, before trying to get off the table in some way other than rolling off, in order to follow after her.

Outside, Charles in his very likeness was indeed somehow right there in the night sands.

"Euuphemia... come to ME!" The King (I'm surprised he's managed to stay King so long, with a voice like his.) continued to beckon.

The doors that sealed off V.V.'s little homestead opened up, revealing Euphemia underneath. Naturally, she was quite shocked. Between the fuzz still going between her brain and the most unusual visitor, she could only squint and gasp.

"Daddy... is it really you?"

"Of cooouuurse, dear... I GURRANTEE it! Would I lie!?"

Charles' eyes looked away.

Euphemia continued forward, reaching toward her dad to come rescue her. Unfortunately...

Charles un-hallucinated back into Zero Helmet again, **"PSYCHE!"**

"W-Wha...!?"

The eye hole opened up, **"ZERO COMMANDS YOU! SLEEEP!"**

Euphemia stood no chance, stared down by the evil overlord's gaze, immediately fell into unconsciousness. Zero Helmet caught her fabulously, of course.

Nina, who had crawled out of from under the rock, spluttered with rage.

"Hey you, you faceless bastard! How dare you touch Euphemia-sama before I do! _VENGEANCE FOR-_"

An armed mook rushed from behind and smacked on the back the head with his rifle, leaving her to collapse on the ground.

Zero Helmet Mwah-ha-haed, while letting Kallen, who quickly approached her commadner, to pick up the sleeping princess.

**"Mwah-ha-ha! Take them both aboard and put the Princess in my quarters!"**

"Yes sir!" Kallen quickly obeyed, carrying the Euphemia away. Zero followed behind, rubbing his hands.

(K/N: THE PRINCESS IN YOUR QUARTERS!? AFTER ALL I'VE DONE FOR YOU! HAH!?)

**"Now she is mine."**

Down below, everyone was in an uproar. Suzaku and Jeremiah were roused awake, and they quickly followed the others to the open doorway.

"What's the matter, what's going on?"

"They've taken the princess!" V.V. frantically answered. Suzaku's eyes bulged, before he went flying up the stairs as fast he could. Even as he reached the outside, all he was met with was a blinding light. Covering his eyes, he glared at the afterburners of _Ikaruga-4PS2_, the rest of it heading off into the night sky.

"Black Knights. We're too late." Suzaku could only glumly answer.

"Don't worry, my Boss! We'll get her back." Jeremiah added.

The hero sighed, "...Yeah."

-

-

-

"Thanks for the gas, V.V."

Jeremiah stepped onto Lancelot Asskicker, which had been excavated from it's sandy semi-grave with help from the others. Suzaku stepped in after, him being the one who actually thanks to V.V. and his crowd of crazy kids.

"Don't worry about it," V.V. waved off, before tossing something over to Suzaku, "Here, take this in case you get hungry."

**(Suzaku Received: "Fortune Cookie"!)**

"...A fortune cookie?"

Since, fortune cookies are actually the most evil thing ever. A piece of cardboard hard pastry hastily mass produced and baked in place, leaving you to break your teeth and stab the inside of your mouth to pieces with the broken bits. And for what? Another "Be Sure to Pay Your Taxes"?

Yeah.

V.V. of course, was V.V., and just gave a glare at Suzaku saying, "Yoooouuu dare question me!? PUNK! I'M GOING TO GO HIGURASHI ON YOUR ASS. BARA BARA. LIKE A NAZI VAMPIRE ON YOUR BABY!"

"Remember. Open it, before you eat it."

"Uh, right. Thanks, well, we better get going. I wonder, will we ever see each other again?"

V.V. shrugged, "Who knows. God willing we'll meet again in 'Code Grease R3: The Quest for Tomino's Time Slot'. Good bye, Suzaku. Use my power well!"

Suzaku nodded, "Thanks. I'll never forget you."

He turned to the kids, "Wish me luck!"

"Fuck you. You're not WRYYYY enough."

"You don't need luck! You need Torpedo Boats!"

"I agree!"

"A-And a really good Handler..."

"And a Laser Satellite. Or sequels that include you instead of your crappy descendants."

Kevin wished he could go with Suzaku and Jerry. No one would be able to hear their screams in space.

Alas, Suzaku waved bye to the bunch of brats and shut the side door on the Winnebago. In moments, the Seigfried Sieg Zeon was up in space, pursuing their lost princess.

-

-

-

Meanwhile, Zero Helmet was having fun in his room.

**"So, Princess Euphemia! At last, I have you in my clutches! To have my way with you, the way I want to!"**

Euphemia fell onto her butt all daintily, begging, "No, no please, leave me alone!"

**"No! You are MINE!"**

"Not so fast, Helmet!"

**"SUZAKU!"**

The hero jumped onto the scene, indignantly pointing his finger at Zero.

"Yes it's me! I'm here to save my girlfriend!" Suzaku turned to Euphemia briefly, "Hi, honey!"

Zero didn't seem very threatened, sneering, **"Now you are going to DIE! PSH!"**

The evil overlord smacked Suzaku, sending him onto his face, where he gasped and wheezed his last pathetically.

Jeremiah rushed up, "Hey! What did you do to my friend!?"

**"The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy!"**

Jeremiah also went flying to his death, "Oh, Ouagh...!"

**"And you, too!"**

"Auoough-Auh!" Nina also randomly fell.

Zero turned back to the princess, **"Now Princess Vespa, at last we are alone!"**

"Augh, no! I hate you, I hate you, leave me alone!" Euphemia turn to ran, but stopped in mid-escape, turning around, confused, "Yet, I find you strangely attractive..."

Zero moved in to hold her gently by the shoulders, **"Of course you do! Brit Princesses are often attracted to money and power... and I have both, and you know it!"**

"Auh! Leave me alone!"

**"No! Kiss me!"**

The two embraced, struggling.

"No! No! Yes! No!"

**"No!"**

"Yes!"

"No! Yes! No! Augh-oh-augh-!"

Euphemia broke into frenzied, exhausted pants, before admitting in awe, "Oh, your helmet is so big-"

Kallen Sandurz ripped open the door shouting, "LORD HELMET!"

Zero Helmet frantically shoved everything on his desk between his arms and chest, his un-masked face bulging in shock.

"WHAT!?"

"You're needed on the bridge, sir!"

"KNOCK ON MY DOOR! KNOCK NEXT TIME!"

"Yes sir!"

"...Did you see anything!?"

"No sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again!"

"GOOD!"

Kallen excused herself and slammed the door shut.

Zero Helmet sat at his desk in stunned silence.

-

-

-

**Back at Ougi's place at Black Knight city.**_****_

Or more specifically, the local bathroom.

Because, you know, Ougi needs to do his business too. I won't go into the details.

What you should recognize that he was in front of the toilet. Doing his business.

You should recognize that Business is Serious Business. No other human being should intrude in the business of a man doing his Business. Plus, it's a bit messed up.

It's understandable why Ougi reacted with a bit of shock when Cecile's face popped up on the wall the toilet was latched to.

"President Ougi!"

"Gah-!"

Hands scrambled over his unzipped fly.

"I told you never to call on this wall! This is an Unlisted Wall!"

"Sorry sir, but this is very important. The princess has just been brought to your office and Lord Helmet and Kallen Sandurz are awaiting you there."

Ougi groaned. Those two again, "Ah, alright, alright. Tell them I'll be right there."

"Yes, sir!"

Cecile saluted. Ougi habitually returned it, before quickly covering up the front of his pants again, glaring.

Cecile smirked before she left the screen.

-

-

-

At the office, Euphemia had been tied down to a padded platform that was now being rotated till she was completely vertical. She was struggling of course, to the complete lack of notice of Zero Helmet and Kallen.

Next to him was some guy in surgeon's get up, and a nurse.

And a dwarf in the back carrying a set of golf clubs. He isn't important.

Charles, on the screen in the office, was raving with his usual voice.

"ZEEEEEERRROOOO! You FIEND! What's going ON!? What are you doing... TO MY DAUGHTER!?"

Zero walked between Euphemia and the surgeon.

**"Permit me to introduce you to the brilliant young plastic surgeon, Dr. Mao! The greatest nose job man in the entire universe, and Beverly Hills."**

Mao gave a slight bow, "Yo' Highness."

"NOOOOOSE Job!? I don't understand... She's already had a NOSE JOB! It was a sweet SIXTEEN present!"

"**No, it's not what you think. It's much, much worse. If you do not give me the combination to the Air Shield, Dr. Mao will give your daughter back..."**

Zero raised a fabulous profile shot printed onto cardboard. It was Euphemia... but...

"**...HER OLD NOSE!"**

The princess looked at the slightly screwy mirror image of herself in abject and total horror. And a bit of rage, understandably.

"NNOOOOOOOO! Where... did you get that!?"

Charles on the screen was already panicking, waving his hands, "NOO! Wait! I'll tell... I'LL TELL!"

Euphemia shook her head furiously, "No Daddy, no, you mustn't!"

Charles got all grim eyed, "You're right, my deaar... I'll miss your new nose... BUT I WILL TELL THEM THE COMBINATION NO MATTER WHAT! AAAALLL HAAAIL, BRLIITAAANI-"

**"Very well! Dr. Mao! Do your worst!"**

"With pleasure!"

The doctor moved over the opposite side of the struggling Euphemia, sharpening surgical scalpels on his moving tray.

They also started spinning with chainsaw teeth.

Euphemia took it as a good time for the eyes to roll up in her head, before slumping back on her operating table.

Charles went back to panicky, "NO! Wait, WAAAIT! I'll tell... I'll TEEEELL!"

Zero sauntered up fabulously to the screen, sneering from behind his helmet, **"I knew it would work! Alright! Give it to me!"  
**

Kallen stood nearby at ready with a pad of paper and a pen.

"The... combination is... ONE." Charles released, gravely.

**"One!"**Zero relayed.

"One!" Kallen copied.

"TWO."

**"Two!"**

"Two!"

"THREE."

"**Three!"**

"Three!"

"FOUR."****

"Four!"

"Four!"

"...F-FIVE."

**"Five!"**

"Five!"

**"So the combination is... One, Two, Three, Four, Five."**

Charles nodded. The helmet came up.

"That's the stupidest combination I ever heard in my LIFE!" Lelouch spat with fabulous spit, "That's the kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!"

Kallen pulled out a remote control, and pointed it at the screen smugly, "Thank you, your Highness!"

Pressing a button, the screen

...

...

...

...

...

what did you do?

i turned off the wall

no you didnt you turned off the whole story!

i must have pressed the wrong button

well put it back on! put the story back on!

yes sir, yes sir!

turned off, while the lights came back on.

"You gotta get that thing fixed!" Zero muttered, jerking a finger at Kallen's remote, while she shrugged helplessly, "We're back! And we've got the combination! MAO!"

The doctor and his nurse broke apart from their furious make out session that begun as the screen turned off.

"WHAT!?"

"We're done with you! Go back to the golf course and work on your putts!"

Mao nodded, "Let's go Rivalz. Come, Shirley! You know I still have to bill you for this!"

The doctor, the otherwise unnoticed midget, and the nurse all exited, though the lady was coy enough to leave a wink to Zero and Kallen. The two stood there.

"...I bet she gives great Helmet...!" Zero muttered to his second in command.

"A-Ah..."

(K/N: "Helmet"? Is that some sort of innuendo? If it is, that bitch is going down.)

Ougi stormed in through the same sliding entrance the trio had just exited.

"Well, did it work!? Where's the King!?"

"It worked sir, we have the combination!" Zero quickly answered.

"Great! Now we can take every last breath of fresh air from planet Britannia! What's the combination!?"

"One, two, three, four, five!" Kallen proudly reported, back straight.

"One, two, three, four, five...?"

"Yes!"

"That's amazing! I have the same combination on my luggage!" The president exclaimed, mesmerized.

Zero and Kallen exchanged incredulous looks from behind Ougi's back.

"Prepare Ikaruga-4PS2 for immediate departure!"

"Yes sir!" Both technical flunkies under Ougi answered, before following him out the door.

"And change the combination on my luggage!"

As the three of them left, the door closed on Zero Helmet's helmet, leaving him trapped with a fabulous shriek.

-

-

-

**Ignoring Plot Contrivances, Lancelot makes it to Black Knight City safely.**

"There it is, Space Ball City, straight ahead!" Jeremiah also remarked for our convenience, letting us know the setting, while they sat inside the cockpit of their flying RV.

"Good! I'm taking her in" Suzaku warned, manning the steering wheel.

Outside, two armed mooks guarded a very generously named "Black Knight's Prison Complex". For originality, imagine it looks like Nova Prospect from Half Life 2. The mooks look like Black Knight mooks, regardless, with all that black and all that. And their machine guns.

And their utter complete and helpless disbelief at what was landing right in front of them, since Zero wasn't anywhere within five feet of them.

"Hey, what the hell is that thing!?"

"It... looks like a Winnebago with wings."

They raised their masks, waving away the fumes that was emitted from the Lancelot, the whines of the engines coming to a stop.

"Hey! You can't park here!" The smaller of the two mooks shrieked. He was about the same tailor-size for for Suzaku.

"Yeah! Can't you guys read!? 'No Parking'!" The other one yelled, pointing at a sign beside him. He had a larger frame, making his uniform fit well for Jeremiah if they ever exchanged clothes.

Just then, the side door to the Lancelot Siegfried unlatched and swung upon, revealing Jeremiah, who stared at them for a second.

One of his middle fingers suddenly jumped up at them.

"...Your Loyalty is too weak!"

For mooks, loyalty was a fairly large matter to them. After all, why else do you want to spend the rest of your life doing menial tasks and dying in droves for that far away evil overlord?

"That son of a...!"

Naturally, the two mooks lost it, and they pulled back on the slides of their laser machine gun things, and charged over to the entrance Jeremiah had escaped into.

"Alright, hands up! You're under arrest for illegal parking!"

"Yeah!"

The two mooks rushed into the Winnebago. Moments later, the entire thing went up in furious shaking and sounds of struggling.

Some fifteen minutes later, the mooks exited. Suzaku and Jeremiah were most likely still inside, beaten and tied up, and the mooks were obviously re-entering the prison in search of spare cells.

In fact, the two mooks' studiousness led them in search for only the best of cells, fit for containing Royalty. As they turned the in the metallic hallways of prison, they looked up at a dully lit sign hanging from the ceiling.

**Royal Prisoners Only: Maximum Security**

"She's gotta be in one of these cells!" One of the mooks realized.

"Yeah, but which one?"

The two mooks moved to each sealed steel door, opening the eye latches on each. They were obviously looking for empty cells, regardless of whatever they were saying above.

The first two came up with nil, and they looked at each other, shrugging.

"No."

"No-"

"_Noooobody knooows... the trouble I've seen..."_

A deep soulful voice trickled out from the next cell to the left.

"...It couldn't be...!?"

The two mooks opened the eye slot.

Inside. Nina and Euphemia sat on the same bed.

Euphemia sang.

_"Noboooody knoooows, but Jeeesssuuss..."_

"...It's her."

_"Nobooddy knoows, the trouble I've seen..."_

"...She's a bass...!?"

Of course, this conversation was completely irrelevant to the two mooks finding a cell for Suzaku and Jeremiah, but nevertheless, for some reason they took it into their heads to use a key to unlock and open the way into Euphemia and Nina's newest homestead.

The princess was obviously less than amused, and glared at the mooks, "What do you want!?"

One of the mooks took of his helmet-

HOLY SHIT THE MOOK REALLY WASN'T THE MOOK FROM BEFORE. It was really SUZAKU IN DISGUISE. HOLY SHIT. I never would have expected that in a thousand years! WHEN DID THAT SWITCH OCCUR!? AND JEREMIAH TOO! WOW, THEY COMPLETELY FOOLED EVERYONE.

What a tweest!

I mean, I'm writing this story, and they even fooled me!

Yeah, sometimes I'm too good.

"It's me!" Suzaku quickly explained, having removed his helmet.

"It's us!" Jeremiah joined in.

Euphemia's face instantly turned into a combination of relief and ecstatic joy. Like reuniting with your boyfriend. Snghk.

"Suzaku! How'd you find us!?"

The hero in mook get up, sans hat and mask, offered his open hand to her, "No time to talk, come on!"

Euphemia eagerly grabbed hold of the hand that hauled her onto her feet, Nina quickly following course with Jeremiah's grasping fist.

The party reunited after a heartfelt and tense absence of all of... three scenes, maybe, Suzaku led the escape, cautiously peering out from behind the open entrance, before beckoning everyone to follow.

The music here would be all full of strings and a few interjected tense trumpets.

Naturally, this being the kind of story this is, Suzaku's little attempt at Metal Gear Solid failed miserably.

"**!!" **Went the two mooks down the hall that Suzaku came to a screeching halt in the middle of. They also were curiously in only their boxers.

"Hey! Those are the guys that stole our uniforms!"

"And beat the shit out of us, too!" The larger one whimpered, feeling the black eye on his face.

The first mook pulled back on the slide of his gun.

Suzaku was faster, luckily, and his lazar machine gun thing spat out its million dollar CG laser beams at the mooks. Unfortunately Suzaku sucked at aiming, hence he missed every time, sending the mooks scurrying away.

This was a T-hall, though, with Suzaku on one end, and the mooks that escaped on the other, and down the middle intersecting hallway, a new shot of energy whizzed by them with phenomenal unaim.

"Boss! We have company!"

Suzaku and Jeremiah hid behind the corner, trading fire with a squad of new mooks shooting at them, a furious firefight under way in seconds.

"Damn! That's our only way out!" Jeremiah explained between laser blasts.

"We're trapped!" Euphemia decided to add, while not doing much aside from staying out of the way.

Nina frowned, "Agh. I hate these kinds of stories!"

A few more shots later, and Jeremiah's gun started making more empty clicks than it was shooting bits of special effects at people.

"Augh! My gun is empty!"

"Don't worry, I'll cover you!" Suzaku shouted back between the burning air, and did his best to make up for Jeremiah's lack of ammo. Still, it was some four guns to his one.

Jeremiah looked all over the walls, and found that one of the exposed sci-fi piping was a U-shaped collection of four pipes that wound back into the wall.

"Wait! I got an idea!"

"W-what do you mean!?"

Nina and Euphemia watched with confusion, and even Suzaku found himself distracted from his supposed cover. That was just him being an idiot, though.

Jeremiah hooked one arm around the exposed piping, and with his herculean orange strength, began to pull outward from the wall.

Meanwhile, the several four mooks noticed the lack of gunfire, and began to march forward in formation.

By this time, Jeremiah had already given a growl of LOYALTY, and pulled the pipes from the wall, letting steam shoot out. Not that he cared. Grabbing his new found weapon of sorts, he rushed out into the hallway.

Four guns opened up on him.

Jeremiah held up his U-pipes.

The laser blasts went into a U-turn inside the pipes, and smacked all the Mooks in the face, sending them sprawling.

Suzaku smacked Jeremiah on the shoulder rewardingly, "Good work-"

Laser sound effects from off screen.

"-Uh-oh! More of them! Run for it!"

Jeremiah agreed, "Let's go!"

The four heroes ran down the main hall, dodging every laser blast coming from behind by a whole mile, due to plot shields. Still, it didn't stop the army of mooks arriving from behind to keep shooting at them.

Up ahead presented a bit more problems, and Euphemia pointed out. Literally.

"It's CLOSING!"

Her finger noted that the room ahead of them was starting to close off from blast shields that were slowly sliding inward from both the ceiling and the floor.

"The door's closing!"

"GO FOR BROKE!" Suzaku shouted forward, since he was the last one in the group. The party, urged on, decided to do an action dive through the narrow gap, Suzaku following right behind in time for the hatches to shut.

-

-

-

On the other side of the room, more Mooks poured in already. Guns aimed at the hapless group that had just jumped hoops.

"Don't move or you're dead! Stand up! Major! We've got them!"

Major Todoh Asuhoru followed from another entrance, smirking.

"Spectacular drama, my friends, but all for naught! Turn around, please!"

The four turned around. Todoh was too busy preening by removing his gloves and toying with the collar of his shirt to notice the difference.

"Ah, what a pity... what a pity! So Princess, you thought you could outwit the Imperious forces of-AGH!?"

Todoh now finally noticed the difference. The HUGE difference. Even a guy with eyes like him could tell.

The Jeremiah's hair looked almost neon. He had a crappy eye patch made of cardboard. The Suzaku was too tall, and had a pimply face. The Nina and the Euphemia was, in the words of Victor Borge, "Four and a Half Feet tall. Lying down."

"...YOU IDIOTS! These are not them! These are COSPLAYERS!"

"Hey! I'll let you know I spent a whole month preparing this for the convent-"

"SEARCH THE AREA! FIND THEM! FIIIND THEM!"

-

-

-

"Hurry up and get aboard! I'll hold them off!"

Suzaku crouched and started camping in front of the entrance to the prison, shooting down two more guards that came through, while the remaining three rushed towards the Winnebago.

A stray laser bolt from one of the dying mooks complicated things, since it crashed against the side door in a shower of sparks.

By the time they got there, Euphemia was whining again, "Open the door!"

"I can't! It's fused!" Jeremiah realized, as he pulled on it helplessly.

Euphemia turned to passenger side door in the "cockpit", "Well what about this one!?"

"It's locked!?"

"Well where are the KEYS!?"

"Inside!"

"OH GREAT!"

Suzaku's voice shouted back at them, "Duck!"

They, along with Suzaku did so, dodging a few more poorly aimed mook shots, while Suzaku fired away at the door, taking down a few more. In the lull, Suzaku quickly ran past the princess, passing her his gun to help Jeremiah pry the stubborn door open.

"Here, you hold them off, I'll get the door!"

Euphemia balked, dangling the thing in her hand like it was a poisonous, "I'm not shooting this thing! I hate guns-"

More mooks poured in, firing. One of them managed to narrowly hit the princess, leaving her pink hair to spark as several locks were singed off. Nina gasped and shrunk into the wall as best she could.

"My hair..."

Euphemia felt her the portion that was singed. Her face started to twist into sheer rage.

"He shot my hair! That son of a BITCH!"

She pulled back on the slide of her gun again, releasing a sound that indicated readiness to fire. Marching forward into a blaze of complete inaccuracy, she aimed her gun to one side and ripped away in a loud sweep.

When Suzaku and Jeremiah finally managed to pry the door open, they turned to their rescuees, about the announce the news.

They only got as far as dropping their jaws, though. Jeremiah managed to say something.

"...Holy SHIT!"

The floor was littered with unmoving mooks. Euphemia blew the on her smoking barrel, while the others gathered about her, somewhat shocked. The princess looked at Suzaku.

"How was that?"

'That' probably being Suzaku's last request to 'hold them off'. Suzaku tried to answer.

"Euh... Not bad."

"Not bad... for a girl!" Jeremiah tried to help.

"That was pretty good for Schwarzenegger!" Nina snorted.

Shrugs all around. Euphemia nodded towards the Lancelot, "Let's blow this joint."

-

-

-

**Meanwhile, Ikaruga-4PS2...**

Feet clanked rapidly across the breadth of the giant spaceship. At the bridge of the Ikaruga, someone shouted.

"President Ougi! SALUTE!"

"Hail, Ougi!"

Everyone waved their hands towards the president, who was running in at full tilt. Upon reaching Kallen and Zero Helmet, he complained and explained simultaneously in the same grandiose tone.

"Ship is too big. If I walked, the story would be over."

Kallen began to speak, "Sir!"

"Yes-Gah!"

Ougi backed away from Zero's face. Or lack of it.

"Never have that damn thing down in front of me!" Ougi ranted, his finger shaking at Zero's masked visage, "How do I know you're not making faces at me under that thing?"

(K/N: Z-Zero...! Your pride...!)

Ougi turned away, disgusted, and Zero complied, though not without the helmet raising so that he could jab his tongue fabulously at Ougi, face to face.

"President Ougi!" Kallen continued, Ougi turned again to the second in command, just in time for Zero's tongue to disappear back into his mouth without any notice.

"Yes?"

"There it is! Planet Britannia!"

Ougi turned to look out the viewing ports, and indeed, there was the healthy planet, full of white swirls of air, locked away under a plastic bubble.

"Ah! Planet Britannia. And ten thousand years of fresh air!"

Zero snorted and turned to Kallen, muttering, "The way he runs things, it won't last a hundred...!"

Kallen shrugged, unable to disagree with either the president or Zero-sama. Ougi thought he heard something.

"Wha-?"

Zero blithely shook his head in lack of understanding, while Kallen quickly cut in.

"Preparing ship for Metamorphosis, sir!"

Ougi nodded, "Good! Get on with it!"

Zero joined in, shouting, "Ready, Kafka!?"

The president looked to his side, eyebrow raised.

-

-

-

Outside, in space, the Lancelot Asskicker was in hot pursuit. Everybody had piled inside the cockpit. Suzaku, from his steering wheel found the ship in question, pointing.

"Look! It's the Ikaruga-4PS2! They've reached the air shield!"

"And it's opening...!" Nina also realized.

Indeed, part of the bubble slid away in the same neat square that let Princess Euphemia out. However, Suzaku frowned in confusion.

"The Ikaruga's too big! They'll never get through!"

Jeremiah rubbed his chin, also pondering, "Then how will they get the air out? I don't see any hose, or anything..."

While the heroes went on being curious, they saw something strange happening to the giant space ship. It slowly began to tilt backwards.

"What's happening...?" Euphemia wondered.

Bits and pieces of the otherwise streamline Ikaruga began to slide back and make room for new exposed machinery, while other sections folded up and and combined with other parts.

"The ship... changing..."

Four separate large sections began to gain a definite shape around the vertical Ikaruga, two on opposite sides, while two more sprouted out from where the engines were.

Jeremiah came to a horrifying conclusion, "My gosh... that's no space station... it's a mecha!"

"A giant robot...!"

"With a vacuum cleaner!

"So that's how they're going to get the air out..."

The heroes looked in a combination of awe and horror at the giant robot that was pretty damn fabulous looking, even with the vacuum cleaner in hand, floating over the planet Britannia.

-

-

-

Inside, the bridge of the Ikaruga had transformed, becoming more barrel like, and and bringing the second floor closer in, so everything was basically in the head of the giant robot. Which I seriously am too lazy to describe. Other than it looks awesome. Like Gawain or Shinkiro. Awesome. Mooksof all kinds at guard either on the second floor, or sitting at their dime-a-dozen radars.

Kallen turned to the two others, "Metamorphosis completed, sir! Ikaruga-4PS2 has now become...!"

Kallen turned to a mook on the second floor, dressed in orchestra finery. He pounded on the timpani for several seconds for effect. Kallen turned back to her superiors, with a triumphant look.

"...SPAMALOT!"

Zero nodded, "Good!"

Ougi was too busy staring at all the shiny things, rambling on, "Remarkable...!"

Zero Helmet took over from here, "Commence operation, Vacu-Suck!"

-

-

-

Outside, Spamalot flicked one finger across the switch of the upright vacuum cleaner, setting it to "Suck". Holding the business end of the machine over the opening on the Planet Britannia, it quickly got to work sucking up everything that wasn't securely attached to the ground, along with the air, and sending it all along to the connected bag, which began to swell.

-

-

-

Inside, the three villains found it appropriate to chant, "Suck, suck, suck!" with bated breaths.

-

-

-

On the planet, Charles was enjoying his last minutes alive, staring fondly at a photo of his daughter in the study, while his pants for air became more desperate and short.

"Goodbye... little... Euphemia...! My... little... baby... EUUUPPPHEEEMIAA LI, BRLLITTAAAAANNIAAA-"

His big curly head slammed into the desk face first.

-

-

-

Euphemia li Britannia in question panicked, pointing at the space vacuum cleaner, "The air bag! It's almost full!"

"What'll we do!?" Nina wailed.

Suzaku quickly grasped the situation, albeit if only in simple terms, and dictated from behind his steering wheel, "We gotta act fast. Step one, we reverse the vacuum and blow the air back unto the planet. Step two, we destroy that thing."

Euphemia grabbed Suzaku by the arm, frowning, "But isn't that dangerous...?"

"Extremely. Plus... I don't know how the hell we're going to do it."

"What about the Grease V.V. gave you!?" Jeremiah quickly suggested.

Suzaku rubbed his chin, his face twisting side with unease, "Well, yeah... but...?"

"Come on! Give it a shot!"

"...Okay, here goes nothing..." Suzaku finally agreed, staring at the switch on the side of the vacuum on the other side of the windscreen, his eyeball lighting up.

**"Kuruugi Suzaku commands you... REVERSE!"**

It was some distance away, but the party still managed to see the little lever begin to glow red with Grease Powah, slowly tilting back, while Suzaku kept brow beating the thing into submission.

"Look at that...!"

"Wow."

"It's... it's working!"

Suzaku's face broke into a grimace from the effort, but his companions continue to cheer him on. Or rather, they were cheering the Grease on to do its thing, since it's not really Suzaku who's doing this himself.

"Come on, Grease... Come on, Grease!"

The lever achingly tilted backwards, but in a final effort, the damn thing snapped into "Reverse".

The air back emptied out, back through the air shield.

-

-

-

Ougi's face twisted in confusion, as he realized something was not right with the process. He was not an expert, though. He turned to Zero Helmet.

"Helmet! What's going on!?"

Zero had an idea, but needed confirmation. He fabulously turned to Kallen.

"Kallen, what's going on!?"

Kallen was panicking, "I-It's Spamalot! It's gone from Suck to Blow!"

(K/N: SHIT.)

Ougi choked to Zero, "What!? They're getting all their air back! Do something!"

Zero panicked at Kallen, "Do Something!"

Kallen grabbed a mic, and shouted into it, "DO SOMETHING!"

-

-

-

All the while, air was being restored to Planet Britannia. Along with probably most of its trees and snow.

A breeze rushed over the unconscious King Charles. His eyes fluttered open as he laid face planted on his desk. He slowly sat up, almost in disbelief.

"I'm... breathing...? Air...?"

Charles came to a triumphant realization, and stretched out his hands, roaring.

"OOOO2-WOOOOOO!"

-

-

-

Meanwhile in the confusion, a Winnebago went flying into the ear of the Spamlot. Inside was a narrow twisted tunnel, lit by lamps built into the sides, leading to the center of the head.

Suzaku continued to drive, while uttering instructions to his co-pilot.

"Dim the lights."

"Dimming the lights."

Jeremiah's hands reached for a tab, killing all the lights inside the "cockpit" leaving all of them in darkness.

"Go to infrared.

"Going to infrared."

"Pray to God..."

"Praying to God."

Suzaku turned to look at Jeremiah weirdly, who simply raised his arms helplessly while the cockpit was bathed in an orange glow.

The Lancelot Asskicker maneuvered through the narrow tunnel, assisted with bated breaths and a few of Nina's hissed "Careful!"s.

Deeper inside Spamalot's head, Suzaku turned another knob appropriately titled "Infrared Scanner".

Jeremiah still had to ask, though, "What are you doing...?"

"...Scanning?" Suzaku motioned towards the TV set attached to the ceiling, showing digitized representation of the passageway the Lancelot was passing through, and looking like it was produced through a Windows 95. The hero continued to expose, "There's got to be a self-destruct mechanism in the central brain area... and I think we've found it!"

"Where?" Euphemia asked.

"Watch."

Suzaku messed with the scanning knob again, making the viewpoint in the scanned tunnel turn towards the side. Infrared apparently meant X-Ray or something, because the wall was displayed transparent, revealing a large room behind.

"Bingo. There it is. It's right below us."

Suzaku turned to his mate, "Put her in Hover, Orange."

"Putting her in Hover."

"I'm going down there..." Suzaku muttered offhandedly, before heading out the back, leaving the three behind.

"He's going down there. I wouldn't."

-

-

-

Outside, the Lancelot had dropped its ladder, letting Suzaku descend to the floor with no trouble. Looking around cautiously, he eventually found a convenient Emergency Exit built into the sides of the tunnel.

He sneaked in. However, he failed to notice the flashing beacon that activated at the foot of the door. That thing actually is relevant to the plot, I assure you.

Inside a smaller hallway, Suzaku came up behind an armed mook guarding a door, with his partner being a little stand up sign displaying "No Unauthorized or Authorized Personnel permitted to enter."

So obviously whatever inside was probably important. Though then again, if nobody is allowed to touch it, why make it in the first place...?

'Ah, Whatever', was what Suzaku probably thought, and he slowly reached for the mook's neck. Suddenly snapping his hand forward from his steady reach, Suzaku gripped the mook by the back of his neck.

A few seconds. Nothing particularly happened.

"...What the hell are you doing?" The mook snorted back, unable to turn his head.

Suzaku's mouth moved slightly, trying to answer, "Er... the... Vulcan Neck Pinch?"

"No, no, no, idiot. You got it too high up. It's down here, where the shoulder meets the neck!"

Suzaku readjusted his grip.

"Like... this?"

"Yeah-!"

The mook collapsed in a heap. Suzaku shrugged.

"...Thanks!"

Grabbing the attached key off the hip of the mook, Suzaku inserted it into a slot in the wall next too the door.

A control panel slid up, revealing a touch screen and a demand.

"Hand Print Identification, please. Hand Print Identification, please..."

Suzaku looked around for a few seconds, before looking down at the mook again. Grabbing the unconscious mook's hand, he slapped it against the screen.

"Hand Print-"

Several lights blinked, until reaching a conclusive acceptance of the prints.

"Thanks again!"

Suzaku patted the mook, before heading past the door that slid open for him. Stepping inside, Suzaku found himself in across a room, divided by bars of energy. On the other side was a Big Red Button, behind glass.

**Self Destruct Button: Do not push unless you really, REALLY, mean it.**

"Issat you my love...?"

Suzaku ducked against the wall out of sight of what was apparently live-in security for the Big Red Button. A mook continued humming to himself, shaving.

Suzaku's eyeball turned on its neon glow again, and peered at a can of Code Grease: The Shaving Cream that was settled on the shelf. Suzaku uttered under his breath.

As for the mook, he found himself surprised witless when he saw his can of shaving cream suddenly float into the air and take off. Following it with his eyes, he sound his cream suddenly in the hands of some Japanese dood.

"Who are you!? And what are you doing with that!?" The startled mook demanded, his gun aimed.

"This!" Suzaku grinned, and opened the can up on the mook's face. The man only managed to give a split second cry of despair before his mouth was choking in foam. Staggering helplessly, it wasn't much trouble from there for Suzaku to wrap his hand around the base of that mook's neck as well, making him collapse.

"Sweet dreams..." Suzaku grinned, before grabbing the key card off this mook's belt. Walking over to a control panel in the wall, Suzaku found the key card a perfect match, letting the bars of energy to dissipate, leaving the hero free passage to the Big Red Button at the very background.

Suzaku walked up to the glass encased device, and reeled his elbow back, ready to end it and this stupid story, once and for all-!

**"Not so fast, Suzaku!"**

The aforementioned twisted around to see Zero Helmet appeared through the sliding door he had just come through. Suzaku glared as... heroically as he could.

"Zero! So, at last, we meet for the first time... for the last time...?"

Suzaku had to silently word the words to himself again to check if it made sense. It did. Suzaku went back to glaring at Zero.

**"Before you die, there is something you should know about us, Suzaku."** Zero growled.

"What?"

"**I am your Best Friend's Cousin's Uncle's Former Tenant at his House."**

"...What does that make us?"

**"Absolutely NOTHING! Which is what you are about to become! Prepare to die."**

Suzaku watched the eyeslot on Zero's face open up.

"**Zero commands you, with all your strength to give me a swerd!"**

Zero said that to the air, since he was obviously not talking to Suzaku. So, uh... who was he talking to-

...Actually, Zero does need a sword right? I should give him a sword right? Right. I'll give him a sword.

Zero fabulously waved around this pink, pointy thing in one hand. It was somewhat scary. Suzaku was probably more concerned about where it came from. Undaunted, though, he opened up his own glowing eyeball.

**"Kuruugi Suzaku commands you to give me a swerd, too!"**

So there he goes again. Talking to mid air. I don't get it-

Well... true, Suzaku kinda needs a sword. So he has one.

Suzaku held up his long shiny sumrawi swerd with both hands, readying it at a low stance just in front of his hips. Zero sneered fabulously.

**"You have the Grease... and I see it's as big as mine! Now let's see how well you handle it!"**

Zero thus engaged his attack, his swerd smashing against Suzaku's. The two clashed about with their manly instruments in a totally subtextual and bland display of fighting choreography.

A far cry from Matrix, unfortunately, especially with the way they-

FUUUCK!

OW!

You... you guys cut me!? How is that even possible!? What the crap!? YOU CUT ME WITH TWENTY DOLLAR TIN KNOCK OFFS!

"...He did it." Zero muttered, pointing to Suzaku beside him.

"What!? I did not-!"

The blades went back together with a shower of sparks. The two went back to battering each other in a display of...

Do you think I should get a tourniquet for this? Wow, those guys really swing...

"HIYAH!"

**"FWAAH!"**

Hngnuegh... it's getting light...

"ZERRROOOOO!"

**"SUZAKUUU!"**

...Shouting... loud and everything... and sweat... big swerds...

I really need a tourniquet.

But more importantly, in a display of raw strength, Suzaku batted Zero's swerd out of his hand, sending it clattering into a corner. Without strength of arms, the evil overlord did nothing to defend himself from Suzaku swiping his swerd at his head.

For obvious reasons. He's wearing a damn helmet.

The samreui swerd proved as much as it bounced off the side of Zero's noggin ineffectually.

Suzaku frowned, before swinging at the other side of Zero's head. Again, Zero stood hands on his hips while the swerd clanged away.

With a final growl, Suzaku did a small hop before bringing the swerd chopping down on the top of Zero's head.

This time the swerd broke apart. Suzaku stared at his handle in disbelief, while Zero raised the front of his mask to laugh face to face.

"Ha ha ha-!"

Suzaku opted to just punch Zero in the face. The mask slid back down as the evil overlord staggered back.

There was a silence of utter frustration, before Zero went swinging away at Suzaku with his bare hands. Fortunately, Suzaku was far more versed in the matters of hand to hand combat than Zero ever would.

Suzaku held his palm outward, catch Zero by his face, while Zero snarled like a whining child, waving his arms frantically to try and reach the span of Suzaku's arm to hit him. With Zero pushing forward so hard, Suzaku twisted out of the way, letting the evil overlord yelp as he stumbled forward and crashed into the side of the room.

Zero held his head, shaking the cobwebs, groaning. When he looked at Suzaku again, he harrumphed loudly, still trying to act smart.

**"So, Suzaku. V.V. has taught you well. If there is one thing I despise, it is a fair fight. But if I must, then I must. May the best man win."**

Zero walked forward, hand out, **"Put her there...!"**

Suzaku shrugged, seeing no problem with shaking hands with a man who just said he despised fair fights. Alas.

So when the two were about to join hands, Zero's fingers suddenly jumped upwards into Suzaku's eyeball.

"DAH! OW!"

Suzaku now knows what I feel. I suppose it really was Zero who cut me then.

**"I sealed your Grease! I can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book!" **Zero was stamping his feet on the ground in utter condescending disbelief, **"What a goof! What's with you man!? Come on!**

"You poked me in the EYE!"****

Zero could only continue waving his arms in derision, **"You walked right into that! Are you an idiot or what!? I can't believe it, man!"**

Suzaku just frowned with one squinted eye, while Zero continued his tirade in his regular evil voice.

**"So Suzaku. Now you will see that Evil will always triumph... because Good is dumb."**

The eye slot on Zero's helmet opened up, letting Zero's own glowy eyeball try to stare Suzaku to death.

**"DIE! ZERO STAAARE!"**

A bolt of light... laser... shot forth from Zero's eye. Suzaku leapt into the air, his legs doing the splits to avoid the thing hitting his crotch.

Zero shot again, Suzaku dodging to the side, before flipping off a bunk bed of the live in security for no reason than to avoid another. Eventually he flattened himself against the wall, running out of places to escape to, while Zero's gaze held fast on him.

"**Very impressive, Suzaku. Too bad this isn't the ESPN!"**

Just when all hope was lost, Suzaku heard a faint whisper in his ear.

_"Use the Grease, Suzaku!"_**__**

"...V.V.?"

_"Use the Grease!"_**__**

"I can't! He poked my eye...!"

_"Forget about that one! You can find any of those in a crackerjack box! The Grease is in you, Suzaku! It's in you!"  
_

"Alright... I'll try!"

**"Say goodbye to your two best friends, Suzaku! And I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago!"**

Suzaku wasn't listening to Zero's taunts, though, as he was busy closing his eyes and searching within himself for his true power.

Searching deeep within.

He found it it just as Zero shot another laser at Suzaku's gonads.

Rather than dying, though. Suzaku gave a war cry at the beam of death.

And proceeded to spin in the air. One outstretched foot kicked the laser back at Zero. His own junction of legs exploded in a shower of fancy sparks, while Zero screeched in a high falsetto, staggering backwards.

Zero's Helmet fablously crashed into the glass on the far side of the room, smacking the Big Red Button.

A pleasant voice chimed through the air.

"**Thank you for pressing the Self Destruct Button. This ship will self destruct... in three minutes."**

**-**

**-**

**-**

Inside the command room, Kallen and Ougi looked around in confusion, while alarm klaxons and red lights filled the air.

"What's going on...!? Where the hell are we!? Paris!?" Ougi demanded.

"**Thank you for pressing the Self Destruct Button. This ship will self destruct... in two minutes and forty five seconds.."**

Ougi's jaw slide down at those words, before turning to Kallen frantically, "You gotta stop it! Is there any way to stop it!?"

Kallen shook her head, "I can't! It's irreversible!"

"Just like my rain coat..." Ougi bitterly muttered, while Kallen reached for a microphone.

"Attention! This is Kallen Sandurz of Forward Command! Abandon Ship! Abandon ship! All Personnel proceed to escape pods! Close down the circus! Evacuate the zoo! Self-Destruct as been activated! Abandon ship! Abandon ship!"

Those words instantly got everybody scrambling from their seats and running heyday everywhere, trying to find an exit door.

Ougi meanwhile, was grabbing Kallen by the shoulders, frantic, "Sandurz! Sandurz, you gotta help me! I don't know what to do! I can't make decisions! I'm the _president_!"

"**This is your two minute warning, this ship will self destruct in two minutes."**

-

-

-

(_Jibun wo sekai sae mo kaete shimaesou na/_

_Shunkan itsumo soba ni)_

Back at the Winnebago, the heroes were nervously waiting, between all the alarms the the lack of their hero-pilot.

"What's happening!? Where is he!?" Euphemia groaned.

As if answering that, Suzaku had already dove into the Winnebago after running all the way, panting somewhat, "Here! We got a minute and forty before the end of the world! Hang on! Orange! Full Throttle!"

"Going to full throttle!"

"Go to hyper jets!"

"Going to hyper jets-"

The Lancelot shot off down the tunnel towards the exit.

-

-

-

(_Kakuse nu iradachi to/_

_Tachitsukusu jibun wooooooooo~ mitsume)_

Kallen and Ougi scrambled for the escape pods, but every open hatch they found already occupied.

It was probably a bad idea for Kallen to evacuate things like the circus and zoo.

"Hey! Get out of there! Where do you think you're going!?" Ougi whined at one occupant.

"Pizza to go! DOHOHOHO!"

"Wait-!"

The hatch had shut off already, leaving Ougi to stare in disbelief at another ride gone.

Zero Helmet had also arrived on the scene, somehow having recovered from that fabulous critical hit to the 'nads in time to rush to the various escape pod entrances. He should have been luckier. He had an entire pod reserved for himself, the entrance having been marked off by a large symbol of his fabulous helmet.

Unfortunately, the chunky form walking up to the hatch before Zero Helmet was kinda making that a problem.

"Hey, hey, hey! That's my escape pod! Who're you!?" He snarled, his mask up.

"I am the Beared Lady. What are you? One of the freaks!? DOHOHOHO!"

With that, Tieria Erde pushed shoved Zero Helmet to the floor, before jumping into the escape pod and promptly jettisoning.

"COME BACK HERE YOU FAT, BEARDED BITCH!"

(_Mayoi nagara nayami nagara kuyami nagara/_

_Kimere ba ii sa/_

_Kimi ga kureta kotoba hitotsu tomadoi wa kiesari...)_

With most of the crew already gone, only Kallen and Ougi rejoined Zero in this time of plight. Ougi thus summarized the situation as unbiased as he could.

"One pod left! And three of us. And I'm the president! Well, boys, it's a very lovely ship, I think you should go down with it! Goodbye!"

With that, the president performed his heroic sacrifice, and left the two others staring at each other oddly, while Ougi jumped into the escape pod.

However, his seat was somewhat troubled in his opinion, "What the hell is with this cushion...?"

Ougi looked back in his seat to see what was up. He found that he was in the midst of crushing a dark, furry cat, who was now glaring at him.

After all, one does not sit on cats. It was probably a bad idea for Kallen to tell the zoo to evacuate.

"Oh, shit-AAURGH!"

Ougi was launched out of the pod, covered in scratches. With that Arthur took the last escape pod with a meow that probably meant "DOHOHOHO!"

Yes, a cat.

The three stared at the shut hatch of the last ejected escape pod, leaving them trapped inside the doomed Spamalot.

Arthur and Lancelot kill Spamalot. How quaint.

"**This ship will self destruct in twenty seconds. This is your last chance to push the cancellation button."  
**

Ougi turned to the two others in disbelief, "Cancellation button!? Hurry!"

The frenzied race back to the Bridge left them slamming through the door and landing in a unceremonious pile, Zero, with his helmet, allowed to land first. Scrambling to their feet, they managed to make it to a control desk that was more important to the plot than others.

"Where is it!? Where is it!?" Zero asked hurriedly, trying to find something remotely useful along the rows of buttons.

"It's got to be this one!" Kallen exclaimed, pulling open an out of the way latch that revealed a few more buttons, and more importantly, the label "Cancel Self Destruct."

Unfortunately, the three of them also noticed the tag that had been attached to the button.

"Out of order!?" Zero groaned with disbelief, "Fuck! Even in the future, nothing works!"

**"This ship will self destruct in exactly... ten seconds."**

(_Karappo datta boku no heya ni hikari ga sashita...)_****

The evil trio broke into whimpers and gathered together in their arms, listening intently to their impending doom.

**"Counting down. Ten... nine... eight..."**

**-**

**-**

**-**

Meanwhile, the Lancelot Seigfried RV was rushing towards the exit at full speed.

**-**

**-**

**-**

"**Six-"**

"Six!? Whatever happened to seven!?" Ougi demanded.

"**Just kidding~..."**

"Gragh..."****

-

**-**

**-**

"**Seven... six..."**

"There's the other end! Faster!" Euphemia exlaimed, pointing.

Suzaku agreed, and slammed on the pedals, letting the Winnebago rush out into open space out of the side of Spamalot's head.

**"Five... Four..."**

**-**

**-**

**-**

_(Miageta oozora ga aoku sumikitte yuku/_

_Tozashita mado o hiraku koto o kime ta/_

_Jibun o sekai sae mo kaete shimae sou na/_

_Shunkan wa itsumo sugu soba niiiii~?)_

"**Three... Two... One..."**

Zero Helmet, Kallen Sandurz, and President Ougi grimaced and mouthed out the last three digits along side the pleasant female voice, before squirming their eyes shut.

"**Have a nice day!"  
**

The three open their eyes for a second to give their weak reply.

**  
**"Thank you..."

-

-

-

In the vast nothingness of space, a Winnebago escaped a giant robot's head just in time to see it explode from close up. Explode magnificently, a blazing fireball that tore the thing apart like cheap SFX cardboard from the 90s in a display of edited in pyrotechnics.

Inside the Lancelot, four heroes were cheering their heads off, having saved an entire planet.

I would have noted the arbitrariness of certain things. But this story is supposed to be mindless. So be mindless and don't think. Just review this story when you're done.

"We did it!" Euphemia screamed between all the howls of elation and arm waving, before hugging Orange in a completely platonic manner. Because, you know, shippers latch on any excuse to advertise anything. Completely platonic.

After hugging Orange in gratitude, completely platonically, she instinctively jumped into Suzaku's lap, their faces about to connect at the mouth.

Then they realized that their relation was completely platonic. Yeaaaah. They had no basis for romantic feelings.

Thus, they awkwardly broke apart slowly, unsure. Suzaku covered it up with a grin, congratulating, "we all did it!"

With that, the Lancelot finally took Euphemia li Britannia, Daughter of Charles, King of the Britannians, back home.

-

-

-

**A few hours later:**

On a steady flight path back to the capital, Suzaku and Jeremiah sat in their seats, enjoying their well earned little moment of respite by kicking the two ladies into the back where they could rest up a bit themselves, while they stared at the television set above them, watching the Space News, brought to them by Diethard Reid.

_"So I guess you can say that was a case of... 'Man Bites Droid'?"_

Diethard laughed for a second, before putting on his serious face, _"On a sadder note! C.C. the Hut, famed half-immortal, half-cheese, was found dead earlier today in the back seat of her stretched limo..."_

Jeremiah sat up in his seat and tapped Suzaku on the shoulder to pay attention too.

"_...Evidently, the notorious gangster became locked in her car and ate herself to DEATH! Next up, Lloyd reviews 'Macross: Do You Remember Prequel?'. Lloyd?"_

Jeremiah flicked off the TV, amazed. Suzaku stared at the blank screen as well.

"Did you hear that? C.C. kicked the bucket! That means we don't have to pay her the million! We can keep it for ourselves!"

Suzaku tried to smile at the genuinely, but for some reason the reward didn't seem as tantalizing anymore, not compared to something else that weighed on his mind, "Yeah..."

-

-

-

**At King Charles' castle, after the Winnebago finally landed:**

A butler opened up double doors, letting the bedraggled Euphemia, who had not changed in two days, rush in first, followed by the other three.

"Daddy!"

"AAAH! EUPHEMIA! My darling, I thought I would never see you... AGAAAIIN!"

The loving family of two embraced.

"Ohhhh... my sweet ... LITTLE daughter, I'm so happy that... you're home... SAFE, and Euphemia, there's someone else... who's... happy to see YOOUUUU..."

Charles waved to Gino, who was sat in his chair, tilted over in the depths of sleep.

A nearby valet smacked Gino, who awoke with a bit of a stir, and stared at Euphemia.

And yawned.

"Weaarhlll, halloooo... where've you been?"

Euphemia deadpanned at her future husband. Suzaku looked somewhat unsure, but could really only shrug at what he could not intervene with.

With that, the adventure was over, and the Lancelot Asskicker aka Seigfried Seig Zeon took to space again.

-

-

-

**Meanwhile, on a distant planet Earth...**

"Setsuna F. Seiei. Beginning Phase One."

The aforementioned Setsuna, who wasn't really Japanese, but Kurdish, inside his Gundam Exia, passively stared down the top of the line, just produced test model Enact, which was supposed to be just doing a presentation today.

Patrick Colasour, the pilot of the Enact, simply opted to board his vehicle, sneering as his systems booted up, "Oi, oi, who are you working for? The Union? The Human Reform League? Well either way, you've stepped into someone else's territory... I'm not letting you get away that easily!"

Outside, the escaping viewers of what should have been an ordinary show heard the last end of Patricks proclamations. One of the developers swore to himself.

"That idiot... what does he think he's doing!? Does he know how much it cost to develop that suit!?"

Another presenter wasn't so adverse to the idea, though, "This is a good CHANCEU, though. With this, the Enact's value will go up. Patrick Colasour is our ace, isn't he? There shouldn't be a problem."

Patrick himself, inside his cockpit shared the same sentiments, "Hey... don't you know who I am? I'm Patrick Colasour of the AEU! The special one who has never lost a mock battle! I won't let you tell otherwise!"

Backing up this phrase, the giant not-very-Gundam Enact pulled a handle from its wrist, which extended a black blade comparable to a knife, just one that vibrated dangerously with the promise of much pain.

As people around covered their ears in pain from the sensation of high frequency vibrating air, the same developer called Patrick an idiot again, while the Enact charged forward.

"Hey! HEY!" Patrick snarled again over external speakers.

Setsuna muttered to himself,"Exia, time to eliminate the target."

With that Gundam Exia released it's giant arm blade.

And both robots were promptly crushed by the decapitated head of a GIANT ROBOT that fell from the sky.

There was a loud thunder of collision, dust flying everywhere.

And lots of dumbfounded silence and expressions.

"Hey, Graham! There's something coming out of its nose!" Billy Katagiri noticed.

Graham Aker grabbed the binoculars off the closest man he could see, apologizing all the while.

"W-What are you-"

"I said excuse me already."

With the binoculars, Graham zoomed in.

What he saw was was a guy in a trio of doods climbing out on rope fashioned of bed sheets, struggling and arguing with each other.

A guy in a fabulous cape and helmet, a hot chick in short shorts, and a guy with a really bad afro.

And Graham knew exactly what he was looking at.

"...Black Knights." He deadpanned. Billy shrugged helplessly.

"Well, shit. There goes the planet."

-

-

-

**Backeth on doth Planet Britannia:**

Things seemed to be pretty well in order. The local church had this on the signboard:

_TODAY:_

_Thus the Royal Officiation of Wedlock of Princess Euphemia li Britannia here unto Lord Gino Weinberg._

_Take Two._

The local butler went into the back room, where Euphemia and her dad and her fangirl were all redressed for the occasion again.

"Five minutes till magic time!"

While the butler fussed with Charles' costume, he looked over to the daughter he was giving away with concern.

"Are yooou arlight... My Deeeaar!? You look a little... FLIGHTY!"

"Don't worry about me father. I'm completely over him! Hmph... didn't even stay for the wedding!" Euphemia nodded slightly, fuming, "Just grabbed his million space bucks and ran...!"

And she thought better of him...

"He DID NOT take the milliooon!" Charles mentioned off hand. Euphemia turned to him with confusion.

"...He didn't?"

"NO. He just took... TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY SPACE BUUUCKS... for Lunch! Gas! And TOOLLS!"

Euphemia turned to look forward into the air, now visibly troubled.

-

-

-

**Back in space:**

The Winnebago sailed through space.

Suzaku seemed more forlorn than usual, driving aimlessly, while Jeremiah chatted aimlessly.

"I still can't believe you turned down the money... what was all of that Loyalty for, then? At least we could have stayed for the wedding feast. I'm starving... have you got anything to eat?"

"Not really..." Suzaku replied, before remember, "Wait a minute, V.V. gave me that fortune cookie."

Suzaku reached into his pockets to unearth that evil evil dry thing that had managed to stay in one piece over the course of running, jumping and rolling throughout the second half of the adventure. He offered it to Jeremiah.

"Here, chow down."

"Thanks. I'll split it with you?"

"No!" Suzaku snorted back, obviously in a bad mood.

"Okay..." Jeremiah shrugged, before breaking the cookie in two.

A ball of light unexpectedly escaped the broken cookie, leaving the two heroes to follow this turn of events with surprise until it landed in the hall of the Winnebago behind them, forming into a translucent apparition of a figure they recognized.

"V.V.!" They both realized.

"What's up guys?" The long distance V.V. greeted, "Well, you opened your fortune cookie, so here's your fortune! Suzaku, you know that pocket watch you have? But you don't know what it means? Here's what it means. It's something an heirloom that only those of a... Royal family possess."

Suzaku's eyes widened in at the implications. V.V. spelled it out for him for confirmation.

"Yes! Your father was a king. Your mother was a queen! That makes you... a certified prince."

"I-I'm a prince...!?"

"...Well, to be technical about it, more like the son of a Prime Minister, but it's basically interchangable in this day and age. So yeah. You're a Prince."

Suzaku sniffled in happiness, "I'm a prince... I'm a prince! ...Which means-!"

"Which means, if you hurry, there could be a princess in your future. Now, if you want to get back to her before she marries sleeping beauty, I left some special fuel in the glove compartment. Good luck, guys."

"Good bye, V.V.!" Jeremiah waved.

"And V.V... thanks."

"You're welcome. May Grease be with you. Along with the charges for this call. Ciao."

With that, V.V. blinked out of existence, leaving the two heroes again with renewed purpose.

"Orange! Open that glove compartment!"

"Yes... your highness!"

Orange pulled out a small canister. Nothing particularly flashy in itself, but the label...

"L-Liquid Grease...!"

"Quick! Put it in the emergency tank!"

Jeremiah pulled open a small hatch, and poured in the glowing contents down, both awed by the display of raw, commercialized powah.

"Done!"

"Hang on, Orange! We're going to make some space tracks!"

And pulling hard to one direction on the wheel, Suzaku sent the Lancelot spinning into a U-Turn, wheels leaving a glowing trail, while the Winnebago went at all hell speed back to Britannia.

-

-

-

**Back at Britannia.**

At the chapel, Schneizel was mediating the wedding ceremony with his cheeriest face, while Euphemia's concentration seemed to be something else, Charles was paying attention to the wedding, Nina on how purdy Euphemia's dress was, and Gino's brain was probably in another galaxy.

"Dearly beloved we are gathered here together... again-"

"Why didn't you tell me he didn't take the money?" Euphemia whispered to her father rather loudly.

"I didn't think it was... IMPORTANT!"

Schneizel brow beat the party, "May I continue with it?"

The party turned back to attention, but not before Charles could whisper back a, "Besides... he ASKED ME not to... tell you!"

"...Thank you. To join Princess Euphemia li Britannia and Prince Gino in the bonds of holy matrimony-"

"I see it all now... " Euphemia gasped, "Don't you see he loves me!?"

Schneizel interrupted, annoyed, "Excuse me! I'm trying to conduct a wedding here, which has nothing to do with love, will you please be quiet!?"

"I'm sorry."

"I'm... SORRY!"

"...I'm sorry...aawun..."

"Don't be sorry, be quiet!"

"I'M SORRY!"

Schneizel flinched at the triple return, but managed to calm himself, "...To join Princess Euphemia and Prince Gino in the Bonds of Holy-"

A gigantic thunder of jet engines crushed the air around them.

"-MOLY!"

All around, the crowd gathered for the wedding looked above them in surprise at the sudden sound.

"...M-Matrimony!" Schneizel amended frustratedly.

"That's him!" Euphemia realized, unusually happy, "I know it's him! He's come back!"

Schneizel had enough of people interrupting his well designed wedding, and snapped out angrily, "That's it! No more chances, we're doing the short version!"

Euphemia's grin dropped at that.

"PrinceGinoDoYouTakeEuphemiaToBeYourLawfullyWeddedWife!?"

Gino yawned and nodded absentmindedly.

"PrincessEuphemiaDoYouTakeGinoToBeYourLawfullyWeddedHUSBAND!?"

The princess stuttered, "Uh... Well, I... I suppose... well... I don't know-"

"NO! She doesn't!"

Everybody turned to the back of the chapel, where the new voice had come from.

"What!?"

Some one dressed very much in a fancy knightly get up and a big ass blue cape, followed by a one man entourage, walked towards the podium where the to-be wedded were.

Schneizel put it simply, "Who the hell are you!?"

"Prince Suzaku!"

Euphemia retorted first, almost unbelieving, "Prince!?"

Suzaku pulled out his watch, "I just found out! It's what this said! I'm an honest to god Prince! Will you marry me?"

"Well, let me think about it..."

Euphemia looked at Gino.

Euphemia shoved Gino off the podium

"...Yes!"

Schneizel scowled, watching Suzaku jump over a banister to stand in front of the princess, "I'm sick of this! I don't give a damn who it is, but I'm going to marry someone today! Who're you?"

The question was directed at Suzaku's side kick.

"I'm the best man."

"What's your name?"

"Jeremiah GOTTWALD!"

"Are you the one that's getting married?"

"No?"

"THEN GET OVER THERE!"

Jeremiah apologized and jumped down to stand away to the side.

"Okay! Here we go! The short-short version! Do you?"

"Yes..."

"Do you?"

"Yes!"

"Good, you're married, kiss her!"

Suzaku and Euphemia closed in.

"I love you..."

"I love you!"

Naturally, when their lips finally met for the first time this story, the entire crowd broke into applause, minus Gino, who was conveniently now non-existent.

Nina sniffled, "E-Euphemia-sama is now legally off bounds...!"

Jeremiah cried out of his eyepatch, "L-Loyalty...!"

-

-

-

Somewhere in space, a Winnebago rushed to the stars, words "Just Married!" painted on the back window.

**May The Grease Be With You!**

**-**

**-**

**-**

**Code Geass: 2008 Christmas Special: END**

**Directed by: Mel Brooks**

**Written by: Person With Many Alises**

**Starring:**

**Kaname Ougi as President Ougi**

**Jeremiah Gottwald as Jeremiah Gottwald, Loyalty Man**

**Lelouch Lamperouge as Zero Helmet**

**Kuruugi Suzaku as Kuruugi Suzaku, Space Bum/Hero/Prince**

**Euphemia li Britannia as Euphemia li Britannia, Action Heroine**

**Charles zi Britannia as Charles zi Britannia, Incompetent King**

**Kozuki Kallen Stadtfeld as Kallen Sandurz**

**Sugiyama as Bridge Bunny Sugiyama**

**Nina Einstein as Nina Einstein, Fangirl**

**-**

**-**

**-**

"So, what'd you guys think?" Person with Many Aliases asked, closing the story book.

A gaggle of small girls in pajamas stared as best they could, since one of them was technically blind.

"That sucked." Anya answered.

"I think it would have been better as a movie..." Nunnally tried to encourage.

"Isn't this a bit crass for a story...?" Tianzi mumbled.

"And what the hell is a grown man like you doing, being in the same room as four nubile young girls clad in only sleep wear!? You pervert!" Kaguya accused with a pointed finger.

"H-Hey! You guys hired a professional story teller! So you should just fall asleep half way into the story, anyways! That's how it usually goes!"

"It didn't go like that in _The Princess Bride_!"

"That's because that was a parody...!"

And so and and so on. At least the Author was able to escape without a lawsuit pinned to his back, if not his dignity.


End file.
